How To Lower Your Self-Worth At The Masters

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desperate women at the US masters

by Nick Thiry

Well folks, another Masters weekend come and gone. The Azaleas bloomed, Jim Nantz painted word pictures with nothing but his mouth and a mic, Amen Corner was replete with drama, and another not-quite-tailored green jacket was awarded. Yes, The Masters is a rite of spring; an annual reminder of all things pure and good about the sport we all love. It truly is A Tradition Unlike Any Other.

Now, if you know anything about The Masters, or about Augusta National and its historically free-spirited membership, you know that it serves as a speed dating event first, and a golf tournament second. While no hard data on the subject exists, independent estimates have shown that roughly 73% of married couples in Georgia met while inside the gates at the historic golf club. That’s right, nearly ¾ of married couples in a state of over 10 million people met while waiting in line for a pimento cheese sandwich. In fact, Georgians over 30 who don’t meet their life partner by April 14th of a given year, head into a government mandated house-arrest until the following year.

So, it was only a matter of time until some brave soul decided to put competition aside, and help her fellow females. Rebecca Johnson, of foxsports.com, was gracious enough to publish “How to land a husband at The Masters” last week.   A how-to-guide that, apparently, was desperately needed by women of the south. While the story more or less reads as a “How to be a Damsel-in-Distress at a Sporting Event, For Dummies”, it does give us some valuable pointers on how to interact with would-be suitors. Sorry, did I say “interact”? I meant “gawked at”, which is how Ms. Johnson prefers it to be referred.

This article gets women off to a good start when wondering how to dress and act at arguably the greatest American sporting event of the year. Advice like: “take off the golf shoes, guys aren’t in to that” or “smile and have fun” run rampant through the blog. Ms. Johnson notes that smiling is a sure fire way to notify men that you enjoy being “followed” across the course. (#YesAllPatrons) While this advice is certainly heady, it’s not even the most important tidbit offered. The most crucial nugget came with the following sentences:

“Let’s be honest. You aren’t there for the golf. If you park yourself in the grandstands at Azalea for the afternoon, you’re limiting your options.”

You hear that, ladies? Don’t spend your whole afternoon at one hole just because it’s named after a pretty flower or you may just miss out on that trust-fund-in-a-visor-husband your parents dreamed of for you since the minute you were born. Keep moving! Your future happiness depends on it!

The blog is helpful, sure, but does it provide ENOUGH detail? Aren’t there more ways a woman can let men know she is a potential trophy wife? What if a woman wants to take the “Advanced” course, so to speak? I’ve compiled a few thoughts for the overachieving women out there…

  • Walk the walk, but don’t talk the talk. As any self-respecting man will tell you, it’s much more important for a woman to ACT like she knows anything about sports, rather than to actually have real opinions. Don’t be afraid to just read straight from the patrons viewing guide they provide at the gate. A generic fact well-read is of far greater value than an original thought.
  • Get a lay of the land and know your surroundings at all times. I don’t mean the course layout or the nearest concessions. I’m talking about where the richest guys hang out. I mean, you can talk about true love all you want, but let’s be honest, your “soulmate” isn’t going to buy you a vacation home in Ft. Meyers or a brand new, certified pre-owned Saab every three-to-four years, amiright?
  • Don’t worry about buying tickets, just show up and look pretty and some old guy will offer you badges for free. Other people may save all year for these tickets, but not you, because you’re a beautiful, well-tanned 31 year old. So start acting like it, damn it….. Oh wait, this was ACTUALLY covered in the original story. My bad.
  • Learn at least three golfer’s names. I know it’s a lot, but you need to put in a little bit of effort if you want to find Mr. Right. Stick to the basics. Rory, Tiger and Phil. Rory, Tiger and Phil. Rory, Tiger and Phil. Repeat them in your head over and over again in the weeks leading up to the event. If it helps, remember them by their current, or ex, girlfriends and wives names. “Caroline, Lindsay/Elin and Amy.”
  • Don’t wear the same dress you wore to cotillion. Guys will see right through that and it’s tacky.
  • Wear perfume that compliments the natural scents of Augusta National. You don’t want to be the girl with the clashing scents, for God’s sake.
  • Don’t go with a guy friend, as it may scare off potential husbands… Oh wait, she covered this one, too! She really was all-encompassing.
  • Last, but certainly not least, it’s very important to be attractive… Wow! She actually wrote about that, also. She did a great job! I’m done, she has me beat. She knows how to land a husband with the best of them.

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