It’s time we introduced you to the man who is about to steal Paige Spiranac from your desperate, mostly perverted hearts. Meet Steven Tinoco
What’s more nauseatingly basic than an Instagram handle that features your first and middle name (ala Paige.renee)? This guy! Presenting Steven Tinoco: A failed minor league baseball player (.266 average), currently toiling away for the vaunted Lincoln Saltdogs. Mr. Tinoco is engaged to the women adorning the wall of your 12-year-old mind.
Training Ground Fights
At Man $hitty, there wasn't a teammate Balotelli didn't have beef with, the crazy bastard fought everyone. Whether it was Micah Richards or Roberto Mancini, Balotelli fought them all.
Euro 2012 Semifinal
In the Euro 2012 semifinal against Germany, Mario scored a brace and produced this gem of a celebration. The young Italian showed up on the world stage and led his nation almost to glory.
Fireworks in His Home
This dumbass set off fireworks in his own home causing significant damage and starting a fire. What the fuck else did you expect, Balo?
Red Card at Inter
In a story told by Jose Mourinho, Balotelli was his only healthy striker and the young Italian had already received a yellow card in the match. Mou directed almost all of the halftime talk to him telling him not to get a red, but in the 46th minute Balotelli was sent off.
Throwing Darts at Youth Team
Being bored one day at Man City, Mario Balotelli decided it would be a grand idea to throw darts at the youth team players for fun. Every man for himself I suppose.
Why Always Me?
Days after the incident with the fireworks in his bathroom, Balotelli brandished this shirt celebrating a goal scored in the drubbing of United.
One day, Balotelli was caught driving into a women's prison because he wanted to have a look around. Why?
Have you no shame at all? (source/Instagram)
“Steeeeveee: I painted this dress on just for you!” (source/Instagram)
Big CD, leader, consistent, solid. You know what you're going to get from Curt, and he'll certainly be more reliable than either Chris Smalling or Gary Cahill.
Give him the call, Gareth!
Whether you're a Hammers fan or not, you can't argue that it's a cardinal sin the West Ham captain doesn't have a cap to his name.
Great player, great bloke; would be welcome in any dressing room.
It's odd that for West Ham's terrible start to the season, they have the joint-top scorer in the Premier League, arise Antonio with five goals.
A real threat from set-pieces, bags of pace, always looks lively. Seems the Hammer is on the verge after being included in the latest World Cup qualifying camp.