It’s good, but it’s not quite Carling. After the third round draw took place a bit later than 4.15am GMT this morning without a live feed, fans were forced to head to the Carabao Cup Twitter feed to watch a fixture by fixture update on the page that took approximately three and a half weeks to conclude.
Su Dong, who gave a brief, sixteen-hour presentation containing powerpoint slides of his family holiday, a brief lectureship in fixture fixing and also plans for the round four and five draws, angered fans online by delaying the already ludicrous start time of the draw.
The #CarabaoCup Round Three draw is approaching!
Su Dong is giving a brief presentation before getting things under way. pic.twitter.com/asSiP8A4tt
— Carabao Cup (@Carabao_Cup) August 24, 2017
Fans will be angered to hear that the fourth round draw for the 2017 Carabao Cup will take place in 2021 on the surface of Mars, with Su Dong travelling to the dusty, iron oxide-laden terrestrial planet tomorrow evening in order to get there in time for the scheduled 2021 draw.It won’t be televised terrestrially though, and Dong is relying on sending individual courier pigeons in adorable little spacesuits back into Earth’s atmosphere to drip-feed the result in an excellent marketing ploy that doesn’t believe in bad press.
It won’t be televised terrestrially though, and Dong is relying on sending individual courier pigeons in adorable little spacesuits back into Earth’s atmosphere to drip-feed the result in an excellent marketing ploy that doesn’t believe in bad press.
If football fans find this audacious, they will be looking at Dong as if he’s personally spilt their pint and smiled at them when they hear about the plans for the fifth round draw.
Dong is planning to unknowingly extend frustrations by releasing the fixtures for the fifth round in similar fashion to the round three Twitter drip-feed, but before each fixture is released, fans will have to watch a 30-second Carabao advert per fixture and then purchase a crate of Carabao per reveal.
— Bolton Wanderers FC (@OfficialBWFC) August 24, 2017
A Carabao spokesman told us exclusively:
“People always bang on about the spirit of the FA Cup, but never the league cup. We saw the infinite black chasm where the soul of this competition should be, and basically want to fill it with our product.
“Dong isn’t just a wizard of irritation, but an excellent businessman. We’re sending him to Mars tomorrow for the sake of the round four draw, but it’s also wise to be out of this planet’s atmosphere for a few years given the backlash that he’s received after our third round draw.”
It's 4:17am. What did you expect? ? pic.twitter.com/TkWaWbLBsK
— Norwich City FC (@NorwichCityFC) August 24, 2017
The 2017 Carabao Cup final will take place in the late 2030’s sometime after the nuclear extinction event, where organisers hope that the human races blood, hair and eyes emit the same toxic green that they brand their caffeine pop with.