5-a-side is one of the cornerstones of the beautiful game, falling somewhere in between the professional level and having a kickabout down the park with your mates. For all of us it’s produced memories that’ll last a lifetime, and we’ve all met quite a few characters along the way.
Whether it’s your childhood pals or someone from work that you don’t really like, everyone has played either for or against someone who just stands out as the ultimate stereotype. That isn’t necessarily a bad thing, either, but they do tend to demand much of the attention during a standard game under the lights whether it’s intentional or not.
The false prophet
This fella had trials for West Ham when he was 12, or so he’d have you believe. Upon turning up to the game you can tell that this bloke is noticeably tired from the five-minute walk it took to get to the astroturf, and he spends the duration of the game playing Michael Carrick-esque five-yard passes to make himself look presentable.
The dragons may have not invested but heres what they missed out on pic.twitter.com/HghWBWBzpR
— Nilesh Pandit (@NileshPanditden) August 23, 2017
Unfortunately, everyone has to do things they don’t want to do in life, but for some those ‘things’ are pretty frequent. The pushover is someone who is essentially forced into going in goal week after week and is then subsequently blamed for all the howlers he concedes. Poor guy.
A game at 7pm? No problem, that leaves Mr Vodka & Coke more than enough time to sleep off his hangover after an eight-hour binge the previous night. On the odd occasion he’ll throw up on the sidelines at half-time, but more often than not this guy is also your best player.
“Don’t worry lads I’ll make it next week, I put the date in my phone and everything” – why would you lie to us, Dave?
— Goals Bradford (@goals_bradford) August 17, 2017
From organising a Christmas tree formation six weeks in advance to Facebook stalking the opposition, this entrant takes on the role of captain despite nobody actually assigning it to him. With his shirt tucked into his shorts and an aura of confidence in the air, this man treats every game like it’s the FA Cup Final.
It’s either kill or be killed with this gentleman, who quite literally shows up to have a scrap. Honestly, if nothing has happened when we enter the final five minutes then you’d better pray you’ve got your shinnies on or this stain on society will be sending you on a one way trip to A&E.
The big guy
Phil loves a good Big Mac, and he doesn’t care who knows it. In terms of raw talent, he’s probably one of the best on the team, but it’s his stature that stands out above all else. This bloke is an absolute unit and when push comes to shove, he’ll do what’s necessary to get the win. Fair play.
Leg day & 5-a-side ???? me tomorrow…. pic.twitter.com/JMNJA16SZF
— Lewi (@lewiiwhite) August 14, 2017
The delusional one
You know the type – yellow boots, sick fade haircut, an earring and his own name tattooed on his chest. Let it go, mate.
Try not to let this detract you from your next vital game in Division 3 of the East Anglian Community League, because let’s remember, it’s all about the taking part.
Just because someone may fit a certain mould that makes you want to throw yourself against the cage doesn’t mean you can’t have a good time, and hey, maybe they’ll fluke a last minute winner for you that’ll win your team a cup. It’ll be a cup that’s been bought from Sainsbury’s, but it’s a cup nonetheless.