Us humans get a bad press sometimes. Sure, we’ve done some lousy, horrific stuff in the past and we’ve nearly destroyed an entire planet. But we’ve also done some wonderful things; majestic works of art and ground-breaking scientific discoveries. We’re not perfect, but we have our moments of greatness. Ultimate Tazer Ball is not one of those moments.
Yes, Ultimate Tazer Ball was a real thing that certain members of the human race created. Allegedly intelligent life-forms got together and came up with the idea of this “sport”. And then other allegedly intelligent life-forms looked at it and they went: “Yeah, I want a piece of that too”. Together, this collection of morons, this pack of ultimate idiots, formed the game known as Ultimate Tazer Ball. And in that instant, if God were real, you would’ve heard a sigh louder than the Big Bang itself.
We have some questions…
How?
Ultimate Tazer Ball was conceived in America (where else?) in 2012 by three friends: Leif Kellenberger, Erik Wunsch and Eric Prumm. These three geniuses had grown weary of conventional, weaponless sports and desired something new. Something that brought together the thrill of competition with the use of dangerous armory. They invented a game which is basically an amalgamation of football and rugby, but with a twist: a stun-gun twist.
Two teams play on a 200 x 85-foot field, with the intention of getting a large medicine ball into the opposing team’s goal. Every player though, is armed with a stun-gun and they can use this to stop opposing players from scoring. Each gun emits a low-grade shock which apparently, according to Kellenberger, doesn’t cause any “long-term damage”. But it’s entirely up to you if you trust the credibility of one of the men who invented Ultimate Tazer Ball in the first place.
Throughout the course of the match, each player can expect anything up to 35-40 shocks. Although players are not allowed to use the stun-gun in certain areas, such as in the neck or in the groin. Because that would just be stupid. No, just stick to tazering the chest because there’s no vital organs around that area.
Smart, guys, real smart.
Why?
OK, so you know the concept of Ultimate Tazer Ball. You’ve boned up on the complicated rules and strategies involved. Now you must ask yourself: why? Why would you want to run around with an over-sized ball, whilst being chased by people with stun-guns? It’s a legitimate question. But sadly, we cannot fully answer it without some deep psychological tests and an insight into your childhood.
But what we can tell is who you are if you choose to play Ultimate Tazer Ball…
Who?
You’re an idiot.
You know the character that Jason Bateman plays in Dodgeball? Pepper Brooks? That’s you. You’re Pepper. You’re the kind of guy who has a burning desire to play Ultimate Tazer Ball because, in you’re head, you think it’s a bold strategy and it might pay off for you.
You live in a strange world, where the only films you like and/or understand are xXx and the Jackass trilogy. And possibly Die Hard, but that’s pushing it, really. The only book you’ve read is the rule-book to Ultimate Tazer Ball. Except that it wasn’t so much a book, but a single page filled with bad grammar and exclamation marks.
You probably have deep-seated anger management issues and questionable relationships. If a friend asks you to come out for a drink, the response you’ll most likely give is: “Yeah, let’s do this frat-boy style! Let’s tear this s**t up, dude!”. Then after months of saying this, you wonder why you’re friends stop asking you out for drinks anymore.
This is why you joined an Ultimate Tazer Ball league. Because stun-guns don’t judge and they don’t bail on helping you chug down a keg even though you’re 37 years old and you should really know better by now. Tazering is your life. Tazering is all you have left.
When?
Well, here’s the best part: Ultimate Tazer Ball isn’t a thing anymore. It’s gone. The league has disbanded and the website is dead. Incredibly, the majority of humanity did recogonise the stupidity of it all and it never took off as a legitimate sport.
And what happened to all the ex-competitors? Where are they now? Our best guess is that they’re all working for your local police force.
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