Fall From Grace: You Can’t Spell Suck without USC

Wai Sallas

A once proud university hailed as Tailback U, USC is nothing more than a fight song decorated with Ray-Bans, a stellar alumni and celebrity sideline decor.

USC sucks.

One can only assume when reports came out that suspected terrorists were being treated unlawlfully and inhumane at Guantanamo Bay, the USC fight song was one of the chosen methods of torture. At least that’s what many fans feel like when the USC band plays that song incessantly from the moment they enter the stadium until hours later after everyone has left and the only ones still present in the stadium are the rats eating up all the popcorn in the stands and the agents hoping a little stardust rubs off them from the sideline.

You may be wondering, “Which fight song?”

You’re not alone. USC felt one fight song was too little, they needed two. Only a university nicknamed the University for Spoiled Children would want more. F***ing greedy ingrates want more and more and won’t stop until our ears bleed for mercy.

On the USC athletics website, they mention over a handful of songs as “traditions” at a football game. Go on YouTube and there’s a 10-hour version of “Conquest.”  They play that one after every score. There’s “Fight On.” The USC’s official slogan. They play that one after every first down and touchdown. So if you’re scoring at home, that’s two different songs the band plays after every score.

Going to a game in the mid-2000s during the Pete Carroll era must have been like volunteering for a Clockwork Orange-esqe torture chamber.

As they say in those sleazy car dealership ads, “That’s not all!”

They also had the audacity to steal “The Emperor’s Theme” from Star Wars, composed by John Williams. There would be no issue had Williams gone to USC, except one of the greatest composers of all-time went to UCLA. The Trojans’ main rival.

That would be like Pepsi deciding, “Hey, remember that commercial from the 70s that was one of the biggest, most memorable ads of all time? Let’s bring that back and give them Pepsis instead.”

That ad premiered in 1971, three years after USC picked up its second Heisman Trophy. You may have heard of him, his name is Orenthal James Simpson. At the Los Angeles Coliseum you can view all the Heisman trophy winners. Their jerseys are retired and displayed in the bleachers behind the end zone — because USC plays in the 100,000+ seat LA Coliseum, and because of course they do. Although you won’t find Simpsons, because he killed two people (allegedly). The Trojans have had seven Heisman trophy winners over the years. Tied for most all time.

They also hold the record for most Heismans returned. They took Simpson’s away. 2005 winner Reggie Bush gave his back. Bush was pinged because his parents took improper benefits.

Bush may have given back his Heisman, but you can’t take away “The Bush Push” a play that will haunt Notre Dame, and cast doubt on USC–oh wait, the NCAA voided the 2005 season thanks to Bush…oh well.

From 1965-81, USC won four Hesimans, all of them running backs–Mike Garrett, Simpson, Charles White and Marcus Allen. USC’s historic star-studded backfield is impressive. Frank Gifford, John Arnett, Sam Cunningham, Anthony Davis, Ricky Bell and Lendale White all put up huge numbers while in Los Angeles.

Since White, however the well has gone dry. Only one player has rushed for over 1,100 yards in a season. That’s an 11-year drought for “Tailback U.”

There’s a lot of excitement at Troy this year. Sophomore Ronald Jones rushed for 1,082 yards last year. Sam Darnold looks to be the first quarterback taken in next year’s draft. To be frank, though, USC doesn’t deserve either player.

The Trojan “faithful” are nothing but bandwagoners. Most of them never went to the school and root for both UCLA and USC, depending on who is the better team. Those that show up for the games, have turned Gameday in to one big pissing contest.

They show up early, set up their million dollar RVs with satellite dishes and barbecues in the heart of the South Central, California. Yet the game starts and the stadium is half full. They all head to the exits when the third quarter ends. The “fans” want to beat the horrific traffic that makes the film “Falling Down” seem like a documentary. The students are in a hurry to leave because Hollywood is a short Uber ride away.

There is a small minority of truly diehard fans. Those who revel in the deep, rich history. They follow the team and provide somewhat of a natural college experience in an inauthentic environment.

Ah, who are we kidding, USC sucks.

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