Ah, everyone loves a wedding. The clothes, the food, the music, the booze; glitz and glamour to celebrate the happiest day of two people’s lives. The unification of two hearts and souls for eternity under the eyes of God.
Or a bloody good excuse for a sesh in a suit.
Whatever category Lionel Messi sees it as, he became the perfect happy groom at the end of last June. Only not everyone was in the same mood as the lucky couple.
Messi’s former teammate, Neymar Jr, had plans of his own for the big day. And, no, they weren’t to catch the bouquet.
Barcelona are preparing to offer 30-year-old Argentina forward Lionel Messi a lifetime deal at the club. (Source: ESPN) pic.twitter.com/MzJdijjmTh
— Transfer News Live (@DeadlineDayLive) October 22, 2017
According to another former teammate, Xavi, the self-adoring Brazilian dropped his Paris Saint-Germain bomb mid-wedding.
“He said to us at Messi’s wedding that he wanted to change, he wanted to change the club. I said to him ‘but why?’ He said: ‘I’m not happy in Barcelona and I prefer to go out, to have a new experience in Europe, in Paris Saint-German.’ And finally, that was his decision. We must respect it.” Xavi
Great timing, lad. Nothing like ruining your mate’s big day by telling him you’re about to bugger off to another country to become the world’s most expensive footballer in a bid to usurp him as the world’s best.
Who wouldn’t want a pal like Neymar?
Well, anyway, we were actually at Messi’s wedding, of course. CLICKON were in fact the one and only media outlet Lionel trusted to attend his big day. We’re close like that.
Here’s what some of the other Barca lads thought about Neymar’s bombshell.
“I’m actually married. Yeah, to a pretty top girl. You might have heard of her. Sung a couple songs…. That’s it, I’m married to Shakira. Yeah, you should be jealous, actually. I would be if I wasn’t me.”
“Ah, shut up, Gerard. I’ll tell you; whenever, wherever, he is, he talks about Shakira. Yes, she’s a singer, big deal. The real news is Ney’s confession. He been on the beers?”
“I saw him necking a few down earlier, actually. Maybe he’s just a bit bevved and making this all up. But forget the drinks, I could go for a bite.”
“Of course you could, Luis. You always fancy a bite.”
Luis Suarez would know where to grab a bite ??
— Harshal (@_harshalB) October 20, 2017
Messi’s wedding was to Antonela Roccuzzo, whom he met at just five-years-old. There were over 250 guests with even more police deployed for the event.
“What’s with all the cops, Dani?”
“I dunno, Carles, probably to stop thugs like you kicking off.”
“Good football related pun, lad.”
“We all heard about golden ball’s news then?”
“Hey, guys, we all enjoying my big day? I heard someone mention golden balls and just wondered if anyone needed me? You do know I’ve won five Ballon d’Ors, don’t you?”
“Haha, yes, Leo, sorry, my Lord. We know.”
“Good man. Anyway, anyone seen Ney?”
“He told you then?”
“Told me what?”
We know, Messi was one of the last men to find out. Even we at CLICKON were told by the PSG forward before the newly married man. Awkward stuff. What next for the Barca stars?
“Oh, nothing, King Catalan. It’s just erm a bit awkward because he said he reckons that err he’s gonna be better than you in a few years time.”
“Okay, but can he hold his shirt in one hand? No, that’s what I thought.”
In the distance, ‘Waka Waka’ played.
“FFS, has Gerard been getting his missus to sing again? I hired a band to stop that crap.”
“Here, Leo, you know that was the official song for the 2010 South Africa World Cup? You know, the one where you lost to Germany 4-0.”
We don’t really want to say what happened next, but Messi was twice as fuming now. Things got messy, as wedding cake went flying. Thankfully things calmed down.
“Listen, lads, I’ve just spoken to Neymar and he said he never said he’d be better than me. What’s really going on?”
“Leo, I’ve been your teammate for years now, I think it’s only right for me to tell you this. Ney’s moving on, he’s leaving for PSG.”
Something changed in the Argentine megastar. The red mist descended. He stormed off towards a quiet corner with a slightly overweight man who looked almost as if he could have been Diego Maradona. Shortly later, the man came rushing out of the corner. Eyes blazing, head wild, body out of control. He ran up to a nearby camera, stupidly, and screamed into it. He then went for Neymar.
— Evan G. (@erg79) February 1, 2017
Messi’s big day then became absolute carnage. Sergio Busquets, Carles Puyol and the possible Maradona set to work on the Brazilian. It was like a scene from a gangster movie.
Lionel stood off to the side, watching his power exert itself over his traitorous and poor-timing friend. He’d lost it, become a madman. So much for the grounded, perfect human persona of Lionel Messi.
As people tried to reason with him and cut short the carnage, a man appeared from nowhere, chicken wings and a fishing rod in hand.
“I’m his best mate, guys. Just lemme go and calm him down”
In the corner, Gary Lineker pointed at his eye in an overly discerning and patronising way.
Like most weddings, things had gotten completely out of hand, not that you’d ever hear that from a different website. It’s just as well we report the absolute, unchanged truth, then. Your Christmas party doesn’t seem too bad now.