Science still can’t explain the Gronk effect

Rob Gronkowski is the jock that everyone loves to hate. His on field play somehow has forever earned him a pass to grunt “69” jokes several times a day. But he’s everywhere! WrestleMania 33, two new movies, interviewing people on Fox Sports; he’s a walking dim-witted headline soaked in beer and covered in tanning oil. No matter what he does, he stays popular.

There was a recent headline; something to do with Gronk shirtless partying with bikini babes as if that’s supposed to be a surprise. What would be a surprise would be a headline like, “Gronk, with all of his clothes on, isn’t drunk.”

The 27-year-old Williamsville, NY native has been making splashy headlines since he entered the league. The thing is, if on the field his performance fell off, we’d be chastising him relentlessly for it. Tweets would be grounding him into a worthless pulp instead of praising him for showing off his 6 pack and then dousing it with one. But that’s not how sports work.

If you’re good, and holy hell Gronkowski has been good, you get a hall pass. If you don’t want to believe that, just take a trip to Baltimore. Ray Lewis good. Ray Rice bad. One is a Hall of Famer, the other, a pariah. But that’s just how it goes.

The Unending Gronkowski Popularity

Gronkowski’s popularity is no surprise. He’s the Kardashian of the NFL. He’s starting to become famous just for being famous. His jocular naiveté has made him lovable to everyone and his good looks make people swoon. Even when he’s insulting everyone just lets it go. If anyone else made this bad of joke there would have to be some repercussion.

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Rob Gronkowski has his defenders. They all say something similar. “You know, he’s actually smart. He’s living off his royalties and he saves all of his football money for retirement.” Oh, ok. Thanks. But having a financial plan that separates millions from millions just isn’t that impressive. But people find any way they can to justify their lust. It’s easier to take off your pants if you convinced yourself of some sort of redeeming quality.

He’s a Goofball

People say that he could be the next Rock. Gronk’s recent foray on WrestleMania certainly felt “Rock-ish”. But it just seems that Gronkowski is doing these movies to high five his buddies about his cruddy action scene rather than build a professional acting resume. And he’s really really terrible at acting. Like, the worst.

America is going in a new direction, even if it seems backwards at times. We over complicate everything and make it too difficult and convoluted. If there is an art to simplicity there could be an art to being Gronk. Maybe his fraternal banality is a blessing and not a curse.

But there’s something about it that seems to ephemeral. Longevity and the Gronk lifestyle can’t mix. Someday he will be the human version of Slurms Mckenzie, someday just a worn out party slug that people expect will “keep it real” forever.

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