Formula E to Allow Complete Driver Customization for Fans

In a shocking move to weigh Formula E down with even more¬†superfluous gimmicks, the organizers have announced today that all current Formula E driver’s will be contractually obliged to do whatever the fans tell them to, in a bid to make the racing “more hip”.¬†

Fans are permitted one suggestion each per driver and the most voted suggestion will be implemented for the following race. Formula E organizers have hailed the interactive customization as a “huge success” after months of debate around what step Formula E needed to take in order to make the “racing” less pure.

Daniel Apt avoiding a cone at 6mph
Daniel Apt avoiding a cone at 6mph

After success with the “fan boost”, a system that allows fans to vote for their favourite driver and results in the most popular driver getting an engine boost during a race, Formula E is evolving. One of Formula E’s most Senior Interactive Architect’s is the man behind the idea. He said that,

“Formula E isn’t competing with conventional racing like Formula One and our drivers and fans know it. My idea of giving the fans complete control has been active for next season’s opening race and most of the votes are in.

There have been a few interesting suggestions for each driver from the fans. As it stands, 84% of Sebastian Buemi’s voters have selected that he will drive the opening race wearing nothing but sunglasses and a mohawk. This is exactly what we wanted so we’re chuffed.

Sam Bird will be nervous too, his fan suggestion is tight. 51% of the vote is pushing for the suggestion ‘Sam Bird is only permitted to turn left’ and 49% is banked on ‘Sam Bird must go on a three-night bender and consume no less than 4 grams of class-A just before the race weekend’.

This will project Formula E into unpredictable, exciting areas that will hopefully encourage growth.”

– Formula E’s Senior Interactive Architect

Official chart for Formula E's predicted growth
Official chart for Formula E’s predicted growth

What the man we just made up didn’t tell us though, was that the dark side of the internet has been casting their votes too. Turns out that Nick Heidfeld’s fan suggestion has been unanimous and the driver has been having to prepare for the decision on his state for the opening race months in advance. We caught up with him at a highly secretive genetic research facility somewhere in Switzerland. The German driver said this just before he was wheeled away for surgery,

“I don’t understand why this is happening to me or why the fans have selected this, but I have to follow the regulations nonetheless.”

– Nick Heidfeld

Nick’s fan suggestion is a condemning one, 98% of the voters endorsed the suggestion ‘Nick Heidfeld to be genetically modified to the extent that he’s scientifically classified as a Gecko’. Shocking and bizarre, but this is the cost that Formula E drivers are willing to take for the sake of entertainment. Poor Nick added,

“I’m obviously going to undergo reverse surgery after the race, but I’m not looking forward to just eating crickets over the opening race weekend, hopefully the fan-boost will go my way…”

– Nick Heidfeld

Is this real racing? Is it even legal? We don’t know, so we’re just going to stick to Formula One…



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