In a shocking development that addresses a total lack of development, McLaren-Honda have announced that Fernando Alonso and Stoffel Vandoorne will compete in Honda Civic Type-R’s from the mid-nineties in a bid to make it to the end of the Australian Grand Prix.
The cars have been supplied by a boy racer called three-finger Dave from Scunthorpe, who contacted Honda’s F1 Manager Yasuke Hasegawa on Tuesday. The Civic’s boast 183bhp, and are expected to achieve what the McLaren MCL32 can’t by actually finishing the Australian Grand Prix. We contacted three-finger Dave to see how this deal came about.
“I saw how shit McLaren was doin’ on the tele and contacted McLaren over tinternet. They redirected me to Hasegawa and we had a long banter sesh, he seems pretty stoked and relieved with the offer. He asked me how much action my Civic’s have seen, so I told him about all the girls I’ve pulled in the McDonald’s car park on cruise-day Tuesday’s, where me and the lads pretend we’re in a cut scene from Need for Speed Tokyo Drift whilst we’re eating Big Macs, sparking up and bossin’ it on the A18. I went into quite a lot of detail actually, Hasegawa was pretty quiet. His only request was that I make sure I clean all the crust out of the seats so Alonso don’t get up the chuff.”
– Three-finger Dave
Three-finger Dave boasted that the Civic’s have Porsche Engineering stickers on the windscreens to improve performance, and “sick rim jobs”, although we can’t recall whether he was speaking about the car or not. The McLaren team will receive the reliable tin-tops next week and the move is a positive one, giving Alonso and Vandoorne a greater chance of finishing the Australian Grand Prix.
Other Non-News from the Paddock
Jolyon Palmer Late for Job Aboard Fishing Trawler after Renault Stoppage
British ace Jolyon Palmer knew it would be a time sensitive day,with testing duties for the Renault Formula One team clashing with his part-time job as a prawn technician aboard a Spanish Fishing trawler. The Brit took extra measures to save time, dressing in yellow waders and keeping his prawn pots at the back of the Renault garage. Unfortunately he was late and fired on the spot, he will have to rely on the hefty income he makes as a race driver from now on, but will wear the yellow waders for the rest of the season in commemoration of his prawn peeling days.
New Red Bull and Toro Rosso Driver Security Agents Ignite FIA Investigation
Keen Red Bull Driver breeder and one-man Mark Webber betrayal mechanism Helmut Marko has taken drastic measures to protect his drivers from being approached by other teams. The youth enthusiast has employed five professional sumo wrestlers to stop other teams from poaching Red Bull’s talent pool. But it all went greasy tits up when one of the security agents, Sakon “Rikishi” Tanaka threw Renault Boss Cyril Abiteboul through a wall after overhearing a conversation regarding nicking Carlos Sainz from Toro Rosso. Helmut Marko was unavailable for comment.
Disclaimer: This was a satirical post. McLaren Honda have never been in contact with a boy racer called three-finger Dave, Jolyon Palmer doesn’t have a part-time job on a fishing trawler and Helmut Marko hasn’t employed five sumo wrestlers to protect his drivers…