Mercedes Sandbag Dumped on Port Melbourne Beach

A sandbag the size of a house has been discovered at the Port Melbourne beach near the Albert Park circuit and is believed to be the property of the Mercedes F1 team. It was found before Free Practice One, and breaks the record as the largest sandbag ever used before a Formula One Season.

After finishing FP2 half-a-second ahead of the field, Lewis Hamilton set down an unprecedented benchmark, and Mercedes Team Member Jonathan Winsall confirmed that the megaton sandbag discovered on Melbourne beach did indeed belong to Mercedes.

Hamilton was criticised for becoming too immersed on International Puppy day, leaving a dirty protest on the paddock lawn. The World media looks on as Hamilton’s assistant fetches a wet wipe from a bag.

He said,

“As you can see by the size of the bag, we’ve been sandbagging pretty hard. All that stuff about Ferrari being the favourites, yeah, we just wanted to wind them up a bit. In fact, Lewis wants to keep up this narrative throughout the season, even if he picks up a 20-race win streak this year, he wants to rub it in and say “Ferrari are favourites doe” after each podium interview, just to see the new pubes on Vettel’s face turn grey.”

– Jonathan Winsall

Rumours circulating at the moment are that the British driver’s teammate Valtteri Bottas could go quicker still, with team member Winsall stating that Hamilton’s dog Roscoe was found taped above the floor of the Finn’s W08 in what looks to be this season’s first round of inter-team Mercedes sabotage.


Other Non-News from the Paddock:

Brundle gets blazed at “fragrant” turn-11

Brundle T11

When SkySports F1 pundit Martin Brundle went for his insightful stroll around the perimeter of the circuit to report back on how the cars look going through various turns, viewers were shocked when the ex-F1 driver reported that he could smell something “fragrant” at turn-11. He wasn’t talking about incense sticks, and returned to the other SkySport F1 team members off his face on Aussie skunk, his microphone missing after trading it for a white chocolate Magnum.

Brundle is starting a petition online to rename turn-11 as Herba Grande, and colleagues Ted Kravitz and Damon Hill are fearful that Brundle has taken up an unsavoury habit, and might even be dealing already. He was seen passing a small package to someone in the McLaren-Honda garage and Alonso overheard him saying “Don’t worry mate, my weed is louder than these cars, trust bruv”. This image emerged almost 10-minutes after Brundle left the McLaren garages:

Screen Shot 2017-03-24 at 15.11.39


Ferrari claims car’s balance will be at 100% by 2031

Ferrari says that it needs “time” to perfect the balance of the SF70-H, after the hype bubble was popped earlier today by a sharp looking Silver Arrow.


We asked Ferrari about their FP1 session, they said:


– Ferrari

Unperturbed, we asked them about FP2, and Vettel and Raikkonen’s chances of fighting for the win on Sunday. Ferrari added,


– Ferrari

We later found out about the media blackout that Ferrari are practising. On this topic, Ferrari firmly concluded with,


– Ferrari


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