Evidence Emerges Suggesting Russian Government Hacked Sochi Qualifying Result

Formula One’s live timing provider Tag Heur has revealed that their timing systems were hacked during qualifying for the Russian Grand Prix after data was scrambled from a remote WIFI device that appeared as “Vlad’s Top Secret Lulz” momentarily on some F1 Personnel’s mobile devices.

Tim Piece, a Spokesman for Tag Heur said,

We were shocked to uncover the hack, Ferrari were given an extra tenth, whilst Daniil Kvyat was given an extra half-a-second, we expect a full inquest, and the race might have to be postponed as a result.”

– Tim Piece

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Shortly after giving us the comment, Piece was found stuffed in a tyre wall, unaware of what had happened or who he even was. Like the last time the Russian Government was accused of hacking a big result, people are left with the sense of a duller future, this time in the form of uncontested Ferrari dominance.

McLaren tried to provide evidence that their cars had also been tampered with, but it turned out that Honda had planted the data discontinuity themselves in an attempt to vindicate the awful job they are doing.


More Non-News from the Paddock

Passive Aggressive Fan Still Hates Aeroscreen

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A Formula One fan who only watches the sport for the chance to witness death has blasted the FIA’s move to implement the aeroscreen for 2018. Tess Tosterone, an F1 fan, pigeon street fight organiser and avid collector of human tears said,

“The world’s gone mad. F1 drivers already have a safe space – it’s called a helmet? What the hell is wrong with all these SJW’s demanding stuff like this? If you ask me, someone who’s never driven in Motorsport, it’s just a load of liberal lefties high on political correctness.”

– Tess Tosterone

After congratulating Tess on winning twat bingo by successfully using every progressive generalisation in a single statement, we organised a test session with the Sauber team to see how someone would get on during a high-impact crash whilst driving completely naked, without any safety measures whatsoever. The result was too graphic to publish.


Toto Wolff Denies Secret Mercedes Number Three Driver Living in Mercedes HQ Attic

Investigations into the Mercedes driver policy has thrown up a dark secret at the Brackley HQ. A private investigator who was initially employed by Liberty Media to explore whether or not Lewis Hamilton is going to be given preferential treatment in the Silver Arrows garages from now on was taken aback from what he discovered when he snuck into the attic of the Mercedes HQ for clues.

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He said,

“I’d been employed to sneak about and find some clues on Mercedes’ top secret driver policy, which is usually only seen by Mercedes F1 personnel with level eighty-six security clearance. I thought they might have something to hide, so did a search of the entire building.

When I got into the attic, I found a cage, a chain, a collar and a food bowl with the name “Mungo Bottaltonberg” engraved into it. There was no sign of the inhabitant, but I heard deep breathing, something repeating the phrase “frickin’ for sure” and then, I saw these piercing blue eyes, glaring at me from behind some boxes. I ran for my life, and have retired as a PI, that was my last case, I’m going back to New York, those things change you, eat away at your soul, these cases… It’s tough… It’s always been tough.”

– Anonymous Private Investigator

The PI docked his cigarette, tilted his bowler and walked away in slow motion… In black and white, like a noir film. Actually, that last bit of his quote was more of a husky voiceover, so imagine that yeah?

When questioning Toto Wolff about what a Mungo Bottaltonberg is, he denied all evidence of the secret driver’s existence. We were later informed by a Mercedes team personnel with level fifty-five security clearance that Wolff has a secret background in advanced genetics and an obsession with Mary Shelley fiction.

DISCLAIMER: This was a satirical post. The Russian Government didn’t hack the F1 Qualifying, We didn’t interview anybody called Tess Tosterone, and there is no secret third driver living in the attic of the Mercedes HQ…

 

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