McLaren-Andretti sources from the Indianapolis paddock have confirmed reports that Fernando “Fonzy” Alonso is now 83% American, after spending a great deal of time soaking up the culture as a coping mechanism for recent difficulties experienced in his Formula 1 campaign.
A marketing assistant for McLaren was alerted to the change after the Spanamerican driver was heard to be whooping every time his name was called over the circuit tannoy speakers. He was also seen consuming copious amounts of frozen yoghurt just because he could. Marketing assistant Zak Beige added,
“Alonso’s also bought a Chevy S10 Blazer and is looking for a trophy wife to, quote, ‘Ride ma darn nutsack after a day’o’maxin’ out on the ovals’. We’re concerned that the Americanisation is irreversible. He’s also started carrying a gun, and told another Indy driver to get off his property when they tried to walk into the McLaren-Andretti garages for an autograph.”
– Zak Beige
Beige also reported that Alonso’s new favourite ice-cream flavour is ‘freedom peanut butter’ and that when he followed the Spanamerican driver into the bathroom, his pee was red, white and blue firing into the urinal. When Beige recommended that Alonso should see a doctor about the urethral phenomenon, he told Beige to ‘shut his God damn commie mouth’.
Other Non-News from the Paddock
Max Verstappen Breaks Zandvoort in Demo Run
Max Verstappen has broken the famous Dutch circuit in a demo run for Red Bull after his RB8 accidentally unhinged turn-4, resulting in an incomplete circuit. It diminishes the chances of Zandvoort returning to the Formula 1 calendar, with eyewitnesses to the incident claiming that Verstappen wasn’t even pushing when the turn unraveled itself.
The incident follows a similar disaster for the circuit back in 2012 when the home straight was blown away in a violent storm. It was eventually recovered several months later having travelled across the North Sea and coming to rest in Ipswich Town Centre.
Monaco GP ‘Crown Jewel’ references not Testicular – Confirms Race Promoter
Constant referrals to the Monaco GP as the ‘crown jewel’ of the Formula 1 calendar is in no way a subtle gesture to the testicular fortitude present at such a race. Race promoters are keen to remove any cock connotations and condemn them as plebbish.
The promoters revealed that “Gem of the Formula 1 calendar” is the preferred term. In fact, they were happy for us to reference it as anything expensively geological, and also endorse the terms “Topaz of the Formula 1 calendar, Amethyst Cluster of the Formula 1 calendar and also the Metamorphic Kyanite of the Formula 1 calendar.” Expect your favourite Formula 1 commentators to be using these catchy, well-known references throughout the Formula 1 weekend at the Peridot principality.