Warning: contains spoilers from the most recent season of Mad Men!!!!
Over the last eight years, Mad Men has firmly established itself as one of the greatest television dramas in history. In honor of the end of this era, I think we all really have only one thing on our minds…how can we recast this iconic show featuring only movers and shakers of the great sport of golf? I know you’ve been laying awake at night, wondering just who would compile a definitive list of 1960’s ad men, as seen through the lens of current day pro golfers. I’ve heard your cries, readers, and I’m here to help.
Don Draper, as portrayed by Tiger Woods
This one is a tap-in in every way imaginable. In fact, I’m surprised that Tiger wasn’t originally cast in the role. Not to take anything away from Jon Hamm’s incredible performance over the years, but Tiger embodies everything Draper stands for. A couple comparisons right off the bat:
-They both are always the most important guy in the room no matter what room they’re in. Always. No exceptions.
-They’re the two most confident humans I’ve ever seen, fiction or non.
-Both are easy on the eyes, and let’s be honest here, Don and Tiger have combined for more sexual partners than all the men in the state of Utah in the year 2012 (the last year the data was available).
-They are both constantly reinventing themselves. Don literally changes his personality to get away from his former life (and is possibly going to do it again??? DB Cooper????) while Tiger has gone through changes on the course with his swing and a few small earth-shattering upheavals in his personal life.
-They have both inspired generations with their tools. Don painting word pictures of carousals and candy bars, Tiger physically dominating large bodies of land and sea, bending the earth to his will and that of his golf clubs.
Put simply, Don Draper is Tiger’s spirit animal. Don in the streets, Tiger in the sheets.
Roger Sterling, as portrayed by Phil Mickleson
I’ve seen every episode of Mad Men and I’m convinced that nobody will ever be as cool in real life as Roger Sterling is for 10 Sunday nights a year on AMC. The guy is a living, breathing, charm monster who just can’t be contained by your political correctness or tax brackets! He has built an empire, becoming one of the most successful men in the golden age of advertising. Yet, he seems to live with his foot in his mouth, while flirting with the edge of full blown catastrophe at every turn.
Sound familiar? Yeah, Phil knows what’s up. Philly Mick could charm his way into a State Dinner if he wanted to, yet once a year we seem to wonder “What the hell is Phil thinking?” On the course, Phil always goes big, but off the course he always goes home…via private jet or helicopter to San Diego. He is the elitist of the elite; constantly grinning and winking his way into the winners circle and into our hearts.
Pete Campbell, as portrayed by Bubba Watson
If you had a vote for guys on Mad Men you’d most like to punch, Pete would win in a land slide…wait, what am I talking about? Pete has already been knocked out multiple times on the show – each time more glorious than the last. Pete plays the role of the family man when it’s convenient to him (although that’s par for the course on Mad Men), but he wants more. He wants what he wants, when he wants it. Bubba, on the other hand, has not been decked (to my knowledge). However, he was just voted as the least likable player on Tour by his peers.
Both Pete and Bubba go through life without the support of their coworkers, yet both still end up in the winner’s circle on a regular basis. Bubba has two green jackets and countless pink drivers, while Pete has closed more sales than a New Orleans “Plan B” dispensary.
Peggy Olsen, as portrayed by Lexi Thompson
At first glance you may be confused by this one. But hear me out for a minute…
-Both Peggy and Lexi came to prominence at an early age. Peggy as a bright eyed, ankle-bearing secretary turned junior copy writer, turned copy chief. Lexi as a teenage phenom turned bonafide LPGA star, turned major champion and cover girl.
-They both have an air of “I’m not here to **** around so get out of my way and let me do my job.”
-They both look like stone cold killers, as told by these images:
Joan Halloway, as portrayed by Kelly Tighilman
Whoa. I even surprised myself with this one. I think we all were expecting Blair O’Neal or Natalie Gulbis, but I respect Joan Halloway too much to compare her on looks alone. Simply put, these two are the best at what they do. Joan owns that office like Kelly owns that Live From desk. I’ll never forget you, Joan. You were the best.
Betty Draper-Francis, as portrayed by Greg Norman
CROSS GENDER COMPARISON ALERT!!!!
I’ll be honest, this one came into focus for me after watching the penultimate episode of Mad Men this Sunday. Sally Draper, in a requiem for The Sharks’ career, told Betty:
“Henry doesn’t know you won’t get treatment because you love the tragedy.”
You know who else loves the tragedy? Greg. Damn. Norman.
The man loved to blow chance after chance and blame it on everyone but himself. He had all the tools to be one of the greatest golfers of all time, yet he is remembers most for collapses and whining interviews.
Conversely, Betty has all the tools to be one of the great models/housewives/mothers/speakers of the Italian language that this world has ever known, but she would rather bask in the sweet defeat of it all. As Betty faces her mortality while the series draws towards an ending, the world is not sure how to remember her. Do we remember the beautiful Coca Cola model of years past, or the shrew of a woman who felt entitled to “fresh starts”? I see you, Betty Draper-Francis-Norman, I see you.
Bonus Quick Fire Rounds:
Sally Draper, as portrayed by Sam Woods
Possibly the two worst examples of fatherhood at an early age?
Don’s drunk Uncle from the flashbacks, as portrayed by Boo Weekly
Because why not?
Bertram Cooper, as portrayed by Arnold Palmer
The wisest of wise old men. RIP Bert.
Stan Rizzo, as portrayed by Andres Gonzales