10 WAYS WE CAN SEX UP GOLF
Chosen tune for this article: Nelly “It’s gettin’ hot in here”
With The Open coming up at St. Andrews, I have noticed many of my friends suddenly seem to have taken an interest in Golf. They have gone all year without so much as a mention of the game yet they now seem increasingly interested in Tigers swing or McIlroy’s ankle. From the ever informative hub of Facebook, I’ve learnt that the boys are ‘buzzing’ for their Lad’s weekend and the Ladies can’t wait ‘to spot some talent under those kilts’! Neither sex seems genuinely interested in the game itself, yet both are rather taken with possibility of it’s extra curricular escapades.
I apologise in advance for this analysis, as it is drawn from my perhaps very one-track minded friendship group. Nevertheless, it did make me wonder, could a once a year golf fling be enough foreplay to warrant Golf in the sexual sphere?
All in all, I find it rather amusing and unsurprising that this typically dull sport seems to have more sexual excitement off the course then on! Maybe it’s the myths of blowjobs in bunkers or the suppressed naturist in us all but the sport of Golf seems to be conjuring up a subtle sexual undertone unlike any other sport. Take rugby for example, the lifts, muscles and animalistic rigour excretes dominance in the bedroom. Similarly the sweat, lycra and firm bum slaps in Beach Volleyball seem like full blown foreplay for many male spectators. Yet, through the upholding of Golf club etiquette, the sport seems to ooze more tease then please.
So how can we inject some Mr.Grey into the sport of Golf and secure us a firm ‘hole in one?’
1. Bye Bye Beige
Beige resembles old retirement homes and bland roast dinners, anything sexy about that? I think not. No one wants to Grand Slam the guy in Beige. (http://goo.gl/IuIQA1)
2. Quiet in the bedroom
We get there must be silence when you take your shot. Yet Please note this rule only applies on the course and doesn’t need to be recreated off course when you finally put your most prized shaft into action. (http://goo.gl/mWaWoa)
3. Sexy Stance
A little extra arch in that back may just secure your final putt. Sacrificing an already bad game is so worth it to become a master of one, rather than a master of none! (http://goo.gl/6mSyWb)
Timing is everything. Ensure the early morning T- offs are for your buddies and the evening starts are for that lucky someone. (http://goo.gl/68GQTV)
5. Dirty Talk
For some reason Golf terminology doesn’t exactly help promote Golf in an erotic light. So avoid the following terms at all costs:
Bogey, Bump & Run, Dead hands, Early Hit, Fanning, Flange, Uncock, Whiff and Group Lesson (although know your audience for this one, it may an aphrodisiac!) (http://goo.gl/YPnejm)
6. Wrap it Up.
Take care of all your clubs at all times. We all know a Tiger on the loose is not worth the trouble! (http://goo.gl/YPnejm)
7. Golf Gut
It is no secret that Golf is not the most ‘active’ sport, I agree you walk far and the shots can be explosive but no one is loosing their breath. So in order to get those hearts racing, get in the gym and hold off on the bacon butties at hole 9. I’ll let you in on a secret, that ‘Dadbod’ trend was just a trend and is now well and truly over… unless your Leo Dicaprio. (http://goo.gl/7EMql0)
Golf is going through big changes to encourage young’uns’ to get involved. So be the party starter and suggest an alternative kind of game. EG. Shot 4 Shot. (http://goo.gl/YPnejm)
9. Danny Lee Honesty
It was only last week Danny Lee declared his desire for a girlfriend. I guarantee that kind of honesty and romance has worked a treat for his sexual endeavours. Know your game and know your aim. FYI – a bit of vulnerability can go along way! (http://goo.gl/2dF0aU)
10. Last but not least, quite simply:
DON’T BE A TRUMP.
So ditch the ill-fitted trousers & forget the unwritten rule to match the pensioners disco dresscode. This is a sport that needs an extra bit of spunk and it’s about time it gets it. Golf really can be in the sexual sphere but, like a lot of good things, it can be hard. So, whether you take my tips or not, I hope this can at least widen your view on the sport that has potential to be incredibly desirable in more ways than one. Who knows, before we know it, it could be McIlroy’s golden balls were talking about. (https://goo.gl/sB9uE4)