Guys, lock your doors and hide your girlfriends because shit is about to get real. Dick Fowler PI is single and he may be looking for a new girlfriend. This guide will help protect your girls and ensure that Dick Fowler PI does not get in the way of your loved one(s).
1. Take her out for lots of expensive meals
That’s right, even if you don’t have a ton of cash, borrow money, take out loans, start a Kickstarter campaign. You need to take your girl for a bunch of expensive meals and make her feel loved. Dick Fowler PI is on the loose and you can’t afford your girl to question you for even a second.
2. Read E.E. Cummings poems to her at night
An ex-girlfriend once told me that E.E. Cummings poems made her feel safe. Try it, Dick Fowler PI could be waiting around the corner.
3. Numb her feelings with Lithium and Xanex
These are great prescription medicines to numb any feelings such as longing, tenderness or envy. Even if Dick Fowler is waiting around the corner to steal your girl, she won’t feel anything when she sees him. Obivously I’m joking, but seriously, do not let her feel anything for another man, especially Dick.
4. Grow a moustache and moonlight as a PI
Imitation games don’t always work, but if you can be a sexier PI than Dick Fowler, you might have the upper hand. Plus, your girlfriend will love your moustache as they’re totally hip at the moment.
5. Copy the entire plot of “Double Jeopardy”
By pretending your dead and framing your girlfriend for murder, she will have no access to news and no contact to Dick Fowler PI. As soon as Dick Fowler has another girlfriend, tell the police what you did and hopefully it won’t end as bad as the dude in Double Jeopardy.