After a miserable two years, Tiger Woods made the announcement on his website today that he will be retiring from professional golf and focussing on his ultimate passion: caddying.
According to sources close to Woods, the former world number one was sitting in his Jupiter Island home watching The Legend Of Baggar Vance, a film he lists as his “all time favorite” alongside The Last Airbender and Spider Man 3. During the film’s cathartic moment in which Matt Damon’s character overcomes the scars of war, Woods experienced his own catharsis.
He picked up the phone, called agent Mark Steinberg and announced that he will be retiring from professional golf immediately.
“Mark, I need to tell you something. I am your father,” Woods declared in his best Darth Vader before bursting into a creepy childlike laugh.
“No, I’m fucking with you. I’m becoming a caddie. We can earn more money this way.”
After a five hour plea from Steinberg in which he also professed his love for Woods, they mutually agreed to part ways. Woods next line of communication was with Jordan Spieth, who he shares a healthy Snapchat relationship with. Woods sent Spieth two videos. The first was of a cat killing a bird with the caption “Lol.” The second was a scene from a French erotic movie in which a young couple make love on a yacht, with the caption “LMFAO I love watching French people. How bout u?”
Perplexed by Woods’ snapchats, Spieth called the 14-time major champion and asked him what he wanted.
“I’m retiring from golf and I’m becoming your caddie. OK? Woods said with confidence”
“But I can’t let Michael [Geller] go. He’s got a family to support,” Spieth said nervously.
“Did you ever see that movie The Perfect Murder” Woods continued.
“No.” Spieth replied.
“Okay good. I’ll see you on the range Monday,” Woods said before hanging up the phone.
According to friends and family close to Woods, he has been interested in caddying since turning professional.
“Just like Michael Jackson preferred hanging out with kids in Neverland rather than performing, Tiger gets more stoked by caddying than playing,” a good friend of Woods’ remarked.
Although Woods hasn’t said whether he’ll return to professional golf again, he will assume his new position on Monday with the world’s greatest player. Some have questioned whether Woods is the right man for Spieth given that he wants to protect his name in golf history, but Woods insists that he has no hard-feelings about Spieth surpassing his achievements.