We put up a poll earlier asking you guys what Tiger Woods’ next move should be after the sun sets on his illustrious career. You’ve all had opinions, but some of you have given us lots of food for thought. Some of your choices were literally out of this world. We’ve taken them all into consideration and realized that we can totally imagine Tiger filling this very wide array of shoes. A man with such a big persona surely has big dreams and we had a lot of fun helping him find himself with these unorthodox options, at least on paper. See if you can spot your suggestions here.
The most popular choice so far. Funny for the rest of us, not so funny for Tiger? We wouldn’t laugh just yet. Being a caddie is more than just lugging clubs around the course. There’s many a golfer who would be absolutely nowhere without a caddie (a certain Jason Day comes to mind). When you’re out on the course, your caddie is the Jiminy Cricket on your shoulder, telling you how far to hit, where the hazards are, the distances to the whole. You know, all that essential life info. This would be perfect for Tiger, who plans on being a mentor for the new kids on the block anyway. And besides, it’s not exactly a minimum wage job, as Jordan Spieth’s caddie is living proof of. The 39th highest earner on the PGA Tour, he’s now earning many times what the world’s former No. 1 player is making. We think Tiger Woods can do better than that, don’t you?
Many of you gravitated towards this, for good reason. It’s is a path well-trodden by generations of former pro golfers before him, including David Feherty, Sir Nick Faldo and his sometime arch-nemesis, Brandel Chamblee. We suppose it makes sense. No one would be better suited for delving into the minds of the men sweating it out on the course than those who’ve been there, done that. But does he have the gift of gab to keep up? It would seem like he’s kind of lacking in the wit department though. Not even a persistent laugh track could make this flat joke salvageable.
At the moment, Tiger Woods may not seem like the most picturesque being you could run into on a golf course. But there’s a reason all those women were eager to get their paws on him and we’re sure that in the right circumstances, we will see why. Perhaps he possesses a certain je nais se quoi in person, a raw talent for sensual positions under low-lighting. Whatever it is, in order to discover why Tiger is so irresistible to the opposite sex, we might just have to see him shirtless and in briefs. His obsession with the Navy SEALS must have done something for the physique he hides beneath conservative golf attire. Roar.
Maybe it isn’t the way Tiger looks after all. It could be the way he… expresses himself one on one. Only one way to find out. Put him in a room with a sexy lady and record everything. Preferably, she should be a Rachel Uchitel look-a-like. We don’t think there was much heated exchange between him and Elin. Then, all we’d have to do is sit back and watch him live up to his ferocious moniker.
Course designer on Mars
Now here are some options we’d never even considered. Somebody suggested he be a Mars astronaut and another said he should be a course designer. Seeing as he already designs courses on terra firma, we thought that we’d combine the two and transform it into something totally new. You might have heard that water was recently discovered on Mars and that candidates are currently being selected to become the first colonists on Mars. It’s a dreary place, devoid of entertainment and cheer. We’re sure Tiger’s expertise will go a long way towards making it far more livable for the new colonists, who might be at serious risk of launching themselves into zero gravity when they start to reevaluate their life choices. With the fate of humanity resting on his shoulders in space, he will be more than the world’s former Number 1 golfer. he will be a hero.