The full-kit wanker
For our American friends the term ‘full-kit wanker’ is derived from English football culture (also known as ‘soccer’ if your name for it is wrong). In this list we’ll call it anyone whose brand choice is 100% uniform. It’s that person whose loyalty knows no limit; cap, shirt, glove, clubs, bag, ball, shoes, even the socks are the same.
This golfer really has an inferiority complex about being the biggest amateur on the course and it’s actually quite tragic really. However, 18 holes later, you’ve heard constant shot narration from this grade A jock-strap and you know he’s simply repeating what he heard Jordan Speith say last week. Your pity for them soon dissipates and you’re left thinking what a ‘full-kit wanker’.
Verdict: 2/5. Annoying but forgivable.
The solitary snake
You’ve made some good time, everyone’s game is on point and you have the course to yourself. But wait…what’s that in the distance? No, that can’t be right, we’ve been alone for an hour. But it is right, the sun glistening off their golf club and piercing your vision, they know and you know, and they know that you know.
You look to you group but It’s too late, they’re in disarray- Steve, yes even the biggest chiller out there, is anxiously searching for his ball. You calm the boys down, ‘its going to be ok,’ you say ‘we’ll just let them through,’ you scream. They nod in agreement, you dart each other a look which says ‘It’s ok, they are a one ball, let them through like it never happened.’
They play through and everything returns to tranquillity. Before…BAM! out of nowhere a three ball is on the tee, your stomach sinks. How could he do that to us, he has thrown us into a pit of snakes and you kiss goodbye to that stop off for supplies at the 9th.
Verdict: 4/5. You understand, but we all know they rip the innards out of a golf course. Curse that one ball.
The poker night foursome
You normally hear them before you see them. Everything these guys do is a pissing contest. They’ve been ‘let out’ to play by a long suffering wife they seem to constantly deride and you can guarantee they’ve placed a bet on every facet of the game. If you have the misfortune of passing these guys on the course expect to hear an attempt at humour followed by a cackle.
Verdict: 3/5. Here’s to hoping it won’t be you one day.