Jordan Spieth may not be entirely human, ladies and gents. That’s right, the 22-year-old American proved once again that his skills with the putter are not consistent with Homo sapiens. Critics and fans were scratching their heads wondering not if, but what, Spieth has inside of him that allows him to mechanically sink putt after putt.
After a 64 (-9) that put Spieth four shots clear at the Tournament of Champions in Hawaii last year, people pondered what the f**k Spieth possesses to stamp on his rivals like he’s currently doing.
“My guess is he’s an alien from another planet come down to terrorise the PGA TOUR, imparting revenge for decades of middle-age, white superiority complexes that’s plagued golf,” remarked one native of Maui who was watching his eleventh straight tournament at Kapalua.
A more plausible theory was put forward by a leading venture capitalist who linked Spieth’s absurd play with a grand Microsoft plan.
“My guess is it’s a chip manufactured by Microsoft, inserted into Spieth’s brain as a human experiment. People think Microsoft have been doing nothing for the past decade, but trust me, I know people and Mr. Gates has a vision for the future that he’s channelling through Spieth,” added Jim Waldon, a Silicon Valley investor visiting Maui with his wife and three daughters.
Spieth had seven birdies and an eagle as he overtook playing partner Patrick Reed to reach 16 under for the tournament. Reed (69) was joined on 12 under by Kevin Kisner (65) and little-known Argentinian Fabian Gomez (66).
“It is nice to have no blemishes on the card. I want to prepare and start the year with a bang, but I’m only through 36 holes. There’s a long way to go,” said Spieth.
Although last year may not have gone the way he had hoped, there’s more than enough time this season to challenge or prove these theories.
This is part satire, part news. If you have a problem with it, the door is just a few steps away.