Please form an orderly queue, the Real Madrid boot sale will be opening shortly!
Cristiano Ronaldo
The former Manchester United winger is rumoured to be available for around €60 million, which is about €600,000,000,000 million less than what CR7 actually values himself at.
Sergio Ramos
Rather surprisingly, the impressive Spanish centre-back is available for between €20-25 million, having reportedly asked to leave the La Liga giants due to the fact it sometimes resembles Mean Girls.
Isco
You can’t have a disco without an Isco, but you can certainly have a Real Madrid starting XI.
James Rodriguez
Scores one wonder goal at World Cup, gets signed by Real Madrid and then does fuck all else.
Toni Kroos
The German international is so much better than the pantomime bullocks the Los Blancos so regularly serve up, on and off the pitch.
Casemiro
Who?
Jese
Stoke City like signing players who were once tipped to dominate world football – Bojan, Ibrahim Afellay and Xherdan Shaqiri – so, a move to the Britannia makes sense…
Pepe
The Portguese centre-back has, like Ramos, reportedly asked to leave and there isn’t anyone brave enough to tell him that he can’t.
Alvaro Arbeloa
Whether Arbeloa can trick another European elite that he is actually a good player remains to be seen.
Danilo
Joined last summer, leaving a year later; Classic Madrid.
