Gerrard Blasts The Standard Of Major League Soccer

When Steven Gerrard realised three seasons too late that he was no longer wanted at Liverpool and that he could no longer play football to a even half decent standard, he opted to get some dollar bills y’all.

The Reds legend was speaking to Sky Sports when discussing the standard of soccer, as well as the season ahead for LA Galaxy. Luckily for him, we read between the lines and worked out exactly the former England international really meant!


“There were some shocks and surprises when you go away on the road,”

Translation: “Don’t make me say ‘on the road’, for fuck sake. It’s an away game. Deal with it.”

“The altitude, the humidity, the length of travel, and obviously getting used to team-mates and new tactics, it’s a different way of playing. I will certainly be better for the highs and lows of last season.

Translation: “The altitude, the humidity and the length of travel I can deal with. However, it’s the pointless tactics and putting up with Sebastian Lletget’s weak banter that I’m really struggling to come to terms with.”

“The level is certainly a lot better than people think. You have an opinion when you watch this game on the eye and it’s very competitive. There are some good players in the league, good managers and good tactics.

Translation: “Kaka, Pirlo, Ashley Cole, Robbie Keane and myself could win the league as a 5-a-side team.”

“I’ve sampled different training sessions at LA Galaxy that I’ve never done before so maybe one day I can use different bits and bobs that I’ve learnt over here.”

Translation: “I struggle not to laugh at the stuff I’m asked to do. The other day Bruce Arena had us in a paddling pool with a frisbee and said it would improve our hand-eye coordination – the ‘keepers didn’t take part; go figure.”

“Win the MLS Cup or go close [is the aim]. Last year we went out of the first round of the play-offs, the wheels fell off towards the end of the league campaign. We conceded too many goals and we got a really tricky away tie against Seattle in the play-offs.”

Translation: “Trust me, with this bunch of players, we overachieved last season”