A Guide To Surviving At Newcastle For Rafa Benitez

Rafael Benitez

Rafael Benitez is close to taking over from Steve McClaren at Newcastle United

The Liverpool gaffer is clearly a glutton for punishment, following hostile spells at Chelsea and Real Madrid, where he (wasn’t) supported by bloody mental owners/chairmen/Directors of Football/pricks (delete as applicable), the Spaniard has opted for a dose of Mike Ashley.

“He bought this football club as a bit of a joke with a mate of his.

“He phoned up like you would do buying a car, saying, “look, I’ll buy this off you’.

“Mike Ashley bought Newcastle just to say, look I’ve bought a football club.”

Kevin Keegan


Whether commitments to producing Toy Story 4 will clash with his time at St James’ Park, remains to be seen…


…but in the mean time, we’ve got a few tips to help Benitez prepare for life with Newcastle.


Don’t Spend £12million


What do Andros Townsend, Jonjo Shelvey, Florian Thauvin all have in common?

That’s right, they all cost £12million and are fucking shite.


Avoid signing an Ameobi like the plague

Source: Premier League
Source: Premier League


Do the Ameobis have something over Newcastle United?

Shola, Sammy and Tomi Ameobi are probably absolutely delightful chaps but it doesn’t stop them all being bloody useless.

Rafa, don’t sign anyone who is even remotely linked to that woeful attacking trio.


Ignore Alan Shearer

SEE ALSO: Shearer Proved Himself That Sacking Managers Isn’t Always The Answer

Sure, the former Blackburn Rovers striker is a Newcastle United and Premier League legend, and, to be honest, he is right in the above comments – no team should ever lose 5-1 to Crystal Palace – but he’s such a smug arsewipe about it – remember when you took the Magpies down to the Championship, Alan?


Sign Santiago Munez

If Leonardo DiCaprio had performed in anyone of the Goal films, he would’ve bagged that Oscar a long time ago; a movie franchise work of art.

Don’t sign the contract

Seriously, Rafa, mate; what an earth are you doing? You’re so much better than this circus. RUN!

Our Survey says…

Will Rafael Benitez keep Newcastle in the Premier League?


Championship football awaits