SEE ALSO: Jose Enrique Has Rejoined Liverpool Just Days After Release
Mario Gotze being linked to Liverpool purely because Jurgen Klopp is there has always felt a little bit like lazy journalism. Because why would a guy who has scored the winner in a World Cup Final, and plays for the third biggest team in world football, want to join Liverpool?
Anywho, logic has clearly failed and the rumour of Gotze’s impending arrival upon Anfield won’t die down. So much so, it is now being reported that Gotze has been asking about what life is like upon Merseyside.
Well, Mario, lad; here’s exactly what you can expect…
TVs Are Permanently On The History Channel
And you can’t turn them off, Mario; you have to continually be reminded that Liverpool were good once upon a time.
Divock Origi Is A Future Ballon d’Or Winner
Origi 2020 Ballon d'or #calledit
— Shakil (@shakil_miah) April 24, 2016
Even though you’ll very quickly realise that Origi is bang average, Mario, just keep those thoughts to yourself. He’s quality, okay!
Kolo Toure Is The Chef
Mamadou Sakho got his diet plan from Kolo Toure
— Senzokuhle Sithebe (@SkinnySenz_77) April 28, 2016
Now, Mario, I cannot stress this enough. Do NOT eat anything Kolo cooks for you. However, here’s the tricky part, you can’t openly reject it. Therefore, you’ll need to be creative in your removing of the meals he cooks for you.
You’ll Redefine What Success Is
Having eight assists in 2016 is greater than winning a World Cup and a Champions League, Mario, okay?!
You’ll Never Walk Alone
Unless you play shit. Then you’re fucked. Until you play well again. Football, ey, Gotze?!