Theo Walcott Struggled To Contain His Emotions Following England Snub

Source: Getty Images
Source: Getty Images

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Theo Walcott is heading for CRUNCH/SHOWDOWN/KEY – feel free to choose whichever over the top word you like – talks with Arsene Wenger this summer, as the exiled England international looks for reassurances over his future.

The former Southampton youngster, who last started a Premier League game for Arsenal on the 28th February, is famous for being too nice (as demonstrated by his tweet following his Euro 2016 exclusion).

So here’s how we believe the chat between Theo and Arsene will go…

Theo’s First Attempt

Wenger: Come in.

Walcott: [sheepishly] Hey boss, you got a minute?

Wenger: “Ahh, Theo. Do you need to see me right now? Only I’m off to meet Piers Morgan for a chat over what we should do in the transfer market.”

Walcott: “Erm…*starts muttering to himself: ‘just come out with it, Theo. Stop being a blooming nincompoop’*…it’s about my…erm…I was just wondering whether we could…*voice breaks into high pitched squeal and Wenger doesn’t quite know what Theo is trying to say*

Wenger: “Look, Theo. I really must go. Come see me tomorrow after the Euro 2016 squad announcement. I’m sure you and Calum Chambers will have big smile on your face, then.” *Arsene leaves the room but not before giving Theo a knowing wink and a drumstick lolly.*


Theo’s Second Attempt Following Euro 2016 Squad

*Wenger is finishing off his letter to pen pal, Igors Stepanovs, when there’s a timid knock on his door*

Walcott: “Hi boss, how are you?”

Wenger: “I’m a little bit tired. But I’ll show great mental strength to get through the day.”

Walcott: “Good to hear. Nice weather today, isn’t it? I had heard it might be a bit overcast.”

Wenger: “Ahh, it certainly is, Theo. Is there anything I can help you with?”

Walcott: “I was just hoping to discuss…erm…so, I was wondering…would you like my last Fruit Pastille?”

Wenger: “Thank you, Theo. That would be lovely.”

*Theo hands over packet of Fruit Pastilles*

Wenger: “Ahh, my apologies; I do not like the green ones, Theo.”

Walcott: “No worries, boss; I’ll see you tomorrow”

*runs out of Wenger’s office crying*


Theo’s Third And Final Attempt Comes After Watching England Win Euro 2016

*Walcott has been waiting outside Wenger’s office for two hours before Arsene beckons him in*

Wenger: “Sorry to make you a little bit wait, Theo; I was chatting with Wilshere, and I’m sure you can imagine how happy he is. I mean, to score a hat-trick in the European Championships is great, but to do it in a final is just exceptional.”

Walcott: *blowing his nose and fighting back the tears* “Yeah, I’m so happy for him. And the whole squad.”

Wenger: “Just think, Theo, when your development as a footballer is finally complete, that could be you.”

Walcott: “Arsene, I’m 27.”

Wenger: *perplexed look on his face* “What? That cannot be.”

Walcott: *sobbing uncontrollably now* It is. I’m Arsenal’s current longest-serving player.”

Wenger: “I little bit fucked this up. Given the way you were progressing and performing at the moment, I honestly thought you were still around 20/21. What has happened to you in this last decade?”

Walcott: “For flip sake, boss. You ruined me…sorry for saying ‘flip sake’; I’m just very upset at the moment.

Wenger: “You have exceptional quality. Maybe little bit lacking in mental strength. But next season, I promise to play you through the middle. But only if you sign this new six-year contract.”

Walcott: “Ok, boss. That sounds great. I believe you and don’t need to talk this through with anyone.”

*Walcott pulls out set of gel pens from bag*

Walcott: “Ok if I use the yellow colour for this? It’s my favourite.”

Wenger: “Of course, it is, Theo.”

*Theo leaves Wenger’s office whistling the tune of Paul Simon’s classic ‘You Can Call Me Al’*

Wenger: *muttering* “Chump.”