SEE ALSO: 6 Things You Need To Know About Arsenal’s £33.8million Target
Theo Walcott is heading for CRUNCH/SHOWDOWN/KEY – feel free to choose whichever over the top word you like – talks with Arsene Wenger this summer, as the exiled England international looks for reassurances over his future.
The former Southampton youngster, who last started a Premier League game for Arsenal on the 28th February, is famous for being too nice (as demonstrated by his tweet following his Euro 2016 exclusion).
I am of course disappointed not to make the squad, but I have spoken with Roy and respect his decision
— Theo Walcott (@theowalcott) May 16, 2016
So here’s how we believe the chat between Theo and Arsene will go…
Theo’s First Attempt
Wenger: Come in.
Walcott: [sheepishly] Hey boss, you got a minute?
Wenger: “Ahh, Theo. Do you need to see me right now? Only I’m off to meet Piers Morgan for a chat over what we should do in the transfer market.”
Walcott: “Erm…*starts muttering to himself: ‘just come out with it, Theo. Stop being a blooming nincompoop’*…it’s about my…erm…I was just wondering whether we could…*voice breaks into high pitched squeal and Wenger doesn’t quite know what Theo is trying to say*
Wenger: “Look, Theo. I really must go. Come see me tomorrow after the Euro 2016 squad announcement. I’m sure you and Calum Chambers will have big smile on your face, then.” *Arsene leaves the room but not before giving Theo a knowing wink and a drumstick lolly.*
"@theowalcott : I wish Roy and all the team the best of luck for a successful Euro's."https://t.co/BUsOgzo7TS
— Space Monkey (@SpaceMonkeysFPL) May 16, 2016
Theo’s Second Attempt Following Euro 2016 Squad
*Wenger is finishing off his letter to pen pal, Igors Stepanovs, when there’s a timid knock on his door*
Walcott: “Hi boss, how are you?”
Wenger: “I’m a little bit tired. But I’ll show great mental strength to get through the day.”
Walcott: “Good to hear. Nice weather today, isn’t it? I had heard it might be a bit overcast.”
Wenger: “Ahh, it certainly is, Theo. Is there anything I can help you with?”
Walcott: “I was just hoping to discuss…erm…so, I was wondering…would you like my last Fruit Pastille?”
Wenger: “Thank you, Theo. That would be lovely.”
*Theo hands over packet of Fruit Pastilles*
Wenger: “Ahh, my apologies; I do not like the green ones, Theo.”
Walcott: “No worries, boss; I’ll see you tomorrow”
*runs out of Wenger’s office crying*
West Ham fans reacting to the news that they're about to pay £25m for Theo Walcotthttps://t.co/ekL04CwuJS
— IDontLikeSpurs (@IDontLikeSpurs) May 10, 2016
Theo’s Third And Final Attempt Comes After Watching England Win Euro 2016
*Walcott has been waiting outside Wenger’s office for two hours before Arsene beckons him in*
Wenger: “Sorry to make you a little bit wait, Theo; I was chatting with Wilshere, and I’m sure you can imagine how happy he is. I mean, to score a hat-trick in the European Championships is great, but to do it in a final is just exceptional.”
Walcott: *blowing his nose and fighting back the tears* “Yeah, I’m so happy for him. And the whole squad.”
Wenger: “Just think, Theo, when your development as a footballer is finally complete, that could be you.”
Walcott: “Arsene, I’m 27.”
Wenger: *perplexed look on his face* “What? That cannot be.”
Walcott: *sobbing uncontrollably now* It is. I’m Arsenal’s current longest-serving player.”
Wenger: “I little bit fucked this up. Given the way you were progressing and performing at the moment, I honestly thought you were still around 20/21. What has happened to you in this last decade?”
Walcott: “For flip sake, boss. You ruined me…sorry for saying ‘flip sake’; I’m just very upset at the moment.
Wenger: “You have exceptional quality. Maybe little bit lacking in mental strength. But next season, I promise to play you through the middle. But only if you sign this new six-year contract.”
Walcott: “Ok, boss. That sounds great. I believe you and don’t need to talk this through with anyone.”
*Walcott pulls out set of gel pens from bag*
Walcott: “Ok if I use the yellow colour for this? It’s my favourite.”
Wenger: “Of course, it is, Theo.”
*Theo leaves Wenger’s office whistling the tune of Paul Simon’s classic ‘You Can Call Me Al’*
Wenger: *muttering* “Chump.”
