Louis van Gaal has left the building! But not before bagging a tasty £5million send-off – which included the agreement that he can’t go about running his mouth off about his spell at Old Trafford – and writing a cliche and pointlessly cringeworthy open letter to the fans.
Why do open letters even exist? The whole world and his wife are doing them nowadays. I’m half expecting that Steve, who works at the local Greggs near me, will write one for me and all his loyal customers when he leaves the company.
Anyway, it’s time to pull apart that open letter from the man who delivered United’s record-equalling 12th FA Cup trophy, and see what he really meant!
“It has been an honour to manage such a magnificent club as Manchester United FC, and in doing so, I have fulfilled a long-held ambition.”
Translation: “FIVE MILLION QUID HAHAHAHAHA! How’s that for a long-held ambition, bitches?!”
“I am immensely proud to have helped United win the FA Cup for the 12th time in the club’s history. I have been privileged during my management career to have won 20 trophies but winning the FA Cup, which is steeped in so much history, will always be one of the most special achievements of my career.”
Translation: “I’d like to thank Alan Pardew for his twatty dance on the sidelines, because that spurred my team on. If he hadn’t of acted like a complete prick, I doubt I would’ve been able to inspire United to their 12 FA Cup.”
“I am very disappointed to be unable to complete our intended three-year plan. I believe that the foundations are firmly in place to enable the club to move forward and achieve even greater success.”
Translation: “Lol good luck trying to make Jesse Lingard a decent player.”
“Having managed in Holland, Spain and Germany, I had always hoped for the opportunity to manage in English football and be part of English culture. Both of these experiences have lived up to expectations and been fantastic.”
Translation: “I will never return to England. Especially Manchester. What a shit hole.”
“I thank my players and wish them well for next season. It has been a pleasure to work with them and it has been particularly rewarding to see so many young players take their chance to break into the first team and excel. I look forward to watching the continued development of these young players next season.”
Translation: “Marouane Fellaini knows my door is always open for him. What a talent. The best player during my reign”
“I would also like to express my gratitude to the amazing United supporters. They are truly the best fans in the world.”
Translation: “I laughed every time you boo’d me. Because I knew it was just adding a ‘0’ to my pay-off. So cheers for that, guys and dolls.”
“I am indebted to my support and coaching staff, who have given me their all during their time at the club.”
Translation: “Give it to Giggsy ’til end of season”
“I am deeply grateful to each and every member of the club’s staff – the sports science team, the medical team, the kit and laundry department, club administration, the press office, the manager’s team, the Academy team, ground staff and the catering team, both at Old Trafford stadium and Carrington training ground, all of whom have given me their unwavering support in my time at United. Never in my 25 years as a manager have I been so well supported in my role.”
Translation: “If I could get the recipe for those delightful mini quiches that the caterers made, that would be appreciated”
“Finally, my special thanks go to Sir Alex Ferguson and Sir Bobby Charlton for always making me and my family feel so welcome throughout my time as Manchester United manager.”
Translation: “I’m still waiting for Sir Alex and Sir Bobby Charlton to accept my Facebook friend requests.”