When the improbable ‘Jamie Vardy to Arsenal’ story broke, Le Professeur was heavily involved in the process – of acquiring his base tan for his lucrative Euro 2016 television work, sunning himself on the beaches of St Tropez. Little did Arsene Wenger know of the chaos embroiling his London empire, but he would soon put a stop to all that.
Wenger’s escape to the south of France had started like every other summer trip he made to his homeland. After ditching the itchy suits and elusively-pocketed puffer jackets of English football management, Arsene entered his natural habitat – swaggering bare foot down the beach, speedo shorts hugging shaven legs on the look out for talent.
From Wenger’s experience, St Tropez was a hotbed for talent. Only four years earlier, lying back in his deck chair, Arsene witnessed a talent so divine, so extraordinary, so French – he just knew he had to to have… him. Approaching the beach football court, donning reflective shades as a zesty pina colada spilt slightly onto his hand, Wenger knew straight away he’d discovered Arsenal’s next Henry.
A little over a year later, Yaya Sanago had traded casual beach football in France for a Champions League start against Bayern Munich – this was the Arsenal way and Wenger knew it hadn’t failed him yet.
After suffering a little niggle in silverware this season, Wenger was once again looking forward to scouting out Arsenal’s next star with a slightly sandy pain au chocolat in hand. But then, horror. Pulling up a stool at the 24-hour beach bar for his morning margarita, an image of Jamie Vardy next to an Arsenal badge suddenly flashed onto the bar television.
“I was little bit disgusted. Why would Gazidis betray me like this?
“I felt the niggle of disgust filling through me, why would anyone think I would try to sign Vardy!? We have Giroud, Walcott and Sanogo developing exceptional quality at Charlton”
Upon hearing of the proposed 11:30 deadline to complete the move, Wenger knew he had to act – there was no time to lose. Flying first class Air France – it’s the only way to travel – Arsene touched down with little over an hour before Vardy would seal the deal and regroup with Hodgson’s merry men for Euro 2016.
Eyes wide with the promise of untold riches, Vardy’s pen began it’s descent to sign the deal of a lifetime, when bursting through the mahogany door of Arsenal’s executive office came Arsene – he’d torn his Hawaiian shirt slightly for dramatic effect.
Leaping like Chamakh in a crowded penalty area, Wenger knocked the biro from Vardy’s left hand, preserving the Arsenal legacy he knew the fanbase were in no-way frustrated by whatsoever. Tearing the contract before Vardy’s eyes, Wenger turned to Gazidis:
“After the lengths I went to, to prevent Suarez from joining – did you really think I’d let you sign this factory worker?
“Nothing will stand in the way of my never-ending 10-year plan.”