Harry Kane has undoubtedly suffered through the worst two weeks of his footballing career. The nation went searching for answers and came back empty-handed, but after a crushing defeat to Iceland, Kane has revealed his new headphones are to blame for his abysmal performances.
A seemingly anonymous figure on the field, Hodgson was unable to get the best out of the Spurs man, who looked out-of-sorts right from the offset against Russia. After taking the Premier League by storm as the division’s top scorer, Kane was almost unrecognisable.
The rugged flair and energy seemed to have been sapped from his very soul, even his best chum Dele Ali couldn’t raise his spirits – the pair of them holding hands in bewilderment as game after game passed them by. In an exclusive interview with CLICKON Soccer, Kane revealed that his recent sponsorship with Beats By Dre was the reason he looked so below par during Euro 2016:
Shouting at me from less than two feet away, Kane revealed:
“I was bound by my contract not to say anything that might harm the brand during the tournament, but basically I’ve been temporarily deaf for nearly a month now – I haven’t heard a f***ing thing since the flight over here.”
Kane explained that the incident had occurred during England’s squad initial flight to their French training camp:
“Me and Dele were cuddling up to Leo the Lion on the plane and I fell asleep on his shoulder listening to Zahn Malik’s new single on repeat.
“Ali’s always had an eye for mischief and cranked the volume on my iPod up to maximum volume – my ears popped straight away, but I thought it was just the air pressure the air hostess had warned us about.
“The last thing I heard was ‘PILLOWTALK!’… and then nothing since.”
Kane sought medical attention during his time in France and continued wearing the new line of Beats by Dre to fulfil his contractual obligations with the headphone manufacturers. The Tottenham man admitted that he had little clue what was going on during his time on the field, a glaring conclusion that many England fans had already reached without Kane’s admission.
Tragically, Kane may have suffered irreversible damage during Euro 2016:
“The doctor advised that I stop wearing the headphones due to the pressure they’ve been putting on my skull.
“Apparently they were so tight that they were affecting my cognitive abilities – making me selfish in my actions, yet uncoordinated in my movements.
“I did wonder once or twice why I was taking every set piece and ruthlessly spanking them out of play – but I guess the headphones just repressed any logical reasoning.”
— ITV Football (@itvfootball) June 27, 2016
What an unfortunate mishap for one of Tottenham’s own, reports that Raheem Sterling’s JD Sports endorsement turned him into a useless chav have not yet been confirmed.