Granit Xhaka will find himself in the ‘Team of the Season’, which will ultimately be the only real highlight for the Arsenal faithful. That is, apart from also winning a ‘Who is better: Xhaka or Dembele?’ Twitter poll on Sky Sports News, of course.
I'm telling you now we've got the signing of the summer in Xhaka. Gonna turn some midfields in to toast.
— Will (@anotherwilliam_) August 4, 2016
A third place-finish, FA Cup semi-final exit to Manchester City and a Champions League Round of Last 16 defeat will be enough to convince Le Professeur to sign another new deal.
With the club close to financial ruin in January, Eddie Howe launches a ‘This is Howe we do it’ calendar, with all proceeds going to the Cherries. A huge hit amongst unhappy middle-aged women means there’s enough change left over to bring back Matt Ritchie, for a cut-price deal from relegation-threatened Newcastle United.
After being voted the most boring Premier League team of all-time around Christmas, Sean Dyche reveals himself to actually be a robot controlled by the goblins that are in charge of Gringotts.
Diego Costa is sold to Atletico Madrid in January for just £12million after the fiery striker ate Victor Moses for failing to pass to him in a training session.
Alan Pardew tries to buy players in January for ‘Pardiolas’, a new currency the Eagles gaffer invented – basically, tiddlywinks with his face glued on. Unsurprisingly, no business is done.
Leon Osman will reveal himself to be Benjamin Button. Honestly, the guy has looked like a 45-year-old bloke, who has gone through two divorces, for years now.
Am I seeing a comparison between Ibrahimovic and Leon Osman pic.twitter.com/Q88P5mnvH2
— danny (@dwafc_) August 3, 2016
The owners of Hull City Tigers finally complete their dream and turn the club into a full-time circus, with Abel Hernandez surprisingly good at juggling and Tom Huddlestone knows his way around a trapeze.
Roberto Mancini in as manager and Wilfred Bony on loan? Just another day at the Hull City circus.
— Tom Swain (@tjoswain) August 8, 2016
Following Leicester’s maximum points and six clean sheets from the Champions League group stage, CLICKON Soccer will be writing about one lucky punter’s 5000/1 bet on the Foxes to win the ultimate club football tournament.
That will be a feature on the site, as Ranieri’s side navigate past Borussia Dortmund, Napoli and Bayern Munich, only to lose in the final to dream ruiner Jose Mourinho and his Manchester United muppets.
— William Hill US (@WilliamHillUS) July 21, 2016
By the end of August, Liverpool fans will be all over social media telling us how ‘next season is their season’ after the Reds’ opening three games leave them pointless – as well as clueless.
— Sir Liverpool (@Msadvision) July 21, 2016
Raheem Sterling and Jesus Navas will manage just three decent crosses between them, all season – despite the fact they play every single minute of Manchester City’s first campaign under Pep Guardiola.
When you go from playing with peak David Silva & Yaya Toure to Raheem Sterling & Jesus Navas. pic.twitter.com/qVI3Wx1ksX
— Matt (@FalseFirmino) July 31, 2016
*Enter something about Mourinho being a prick, Zlatan being widely talented – yet arrogant -, Bailly being the Red Devils best signing of the season and Henrikh Mkhitaryan returning to Dortmund on loan in January*
Juninho will return for his sixteenth and seventeenth spells during the club’s first season back in the Premier League since 2009.
Newcastle United v Middlesbrough
Juninho picks on Philippe Albert pic.twitter.com/h1S8lOYbhj
— The League Magazine (@Theleaguemag) August 3, 2016
St Mary’s will be renamed the Matt Le Tissier Dome.
— EPL Bible (@EPLBible) August 8, 2016
Halfway through the season when relegation is a real possibility, Stoke will return to their rugby ways, and the likes of Bojan, Afellay and Shaqiri will overnight be built like the monsters from Space Jam.
David Moyes will be replaced by Louis van Gaal in December.
With Ayew at West Ham, Llorente being shite and Gomis out on loan, the Swans will break Derby County’s record of the lowest number of Premier League goals scored in a season (20).
Swansea are going to be relegated. Sold their best defender (Ashley Williams), weak midfield & sold arguably their best player (Ayew) #SCFC
— Fortune Achonna (@Fortuneachonna) August 9, 2016
Dele Alli will move to Manchester United for £25million plus a mentally broken Juan Mata, who has been subbed on and then off in every single Premier League game up to that point.
Eric Dier and Dele Alli sign for Manchester United. https://t.co/7VuxgfCxHQ
— Harry Barnes (@HarryBarnes1) July 27, 2016
Odion Ighalo will score one goal all season – a last-minute winner at the Etihad Stadium – before leaving the Hornets in the summer for £500k to Real Zaragoza as Watford curse rejecting £30million bid from the Chinese Super League, this summer.
— Scott Junior (@ScottyJunior) August 9, 2016
West Bromwich Albion
SCENES when Pulis makes Berahino stay another season at West Brom 😅😅😅 pic.twitter.com/OFYTJSsiPx
— Footy Accumulators (@FootyAccums) August 4, 2016
Tony Pulis will be sacked after Sadio Berahino serialises his diary in The Sun newspaper, and it’s revealed that Pulis has been stealing his lunch money, tripping him in the corridor and hiding his football boots.
After just three appearances, Sofiane Feghouli will be the latest Hammers crush and there will be calls from the West Ham faithful to not play the overrated and chubby Dimitri Payet because Feghouli is the best player they’ve had since Bobby Moore.
You can rinse and repeat that one for every single season from now until the end of time.
Sofiane Feghouli scores West Ham's 3rd in last night's historic 3-0 win over NK Domzale.pic.twitter.com/kOXHosYUcN
— Arsène's Son (@hughwizzy) August 5, 2016