• Premier League
    •  August 10, 2016

    Spot on predictions for every Premier League team this season

    August 10, 2016
    Daniel Blazer
    Author Signature
    Daniel Blazer
    Daniel Blazer
    Daniel Blazer
    Author Signature

    Arsenal

    Granit Xhaka will find himself in the ‘Team of the Season’, which will ultimately be the only real highlight for the Arsenal faithful. That is, apart from also winning a ‘Who is better: Xhaka or Dembele?’ Twitter poll on Sky Sports News, of course.

    A third place-finish, FA Cup semi-final exit to Manchester City and a Champions League Round of Last 16 defeat will be enough to convince Le Professeur to sign another new deal.

     

    Bournemouth

    Eddie Howe

    With the club close to financial ruin in January, Eddie Howe launches a ‘This is Howe we do it’ calendar, with all proceeds going to the Cherries. A huge hit amongst unhappy middle-aged women means there’s enough change left over to bring back Matt Ritchie, for a cut-price deal from relegation-threatened Newcastle United.

     

    Burnley

    After being voted the most boring Premier League team of all-time around Christmas, Sean Dyche reveals himself to actually be a robot controlled by the goblins that are in charge of Gringotts.

    Screen Shot 2016-08-08 at 16.49.04

     

    Chelsea

    Diego Costa is sold to Atletico Madrid in January for just £12million after the fiery striker ate Victor Moses for failing to pass to him in a training session.

     

    Crystal Palace

    Alan Pardew tries to buy players in January for ‘Pardiolas’, a new currency the Eagles gaffer invented – basically, tiddlywinks with his face glued on. Unsurprisingly, no business is done.

     

    Everton

    Leon Osman will reveal himself to be Benjamin Button. Honestly, the guy has looked like a 45-year-old bloke, who has gone through two divorces, for years now.

    Hull City

    The owners of Hull City Tigers finally complete their dream and turn the club into a full-time circus, with Abel Hernandez surprisingly good at juggling and Tom Huddlestone knows his way around a trapeze.

    Leicester City

    Following Leicester’s maximum points and six clean sheets from the Champions League group stage, CLICKON Soccer will be writing about one lucky punter’s 5000/1 bet on the Foxes to win the ultimate club football tournament.

    That will be a feature on the site, as Ranieri’s side navigate past Borussia Dortmund, Napoli and Bayern Munich, only to lose in the final to dream ruiner Jose Mourinho and his Manchester United muppets.

    Liverpool

    By the end of August, Liverpool fans will be all over social media telling us how ‘next season is their season’ after the Reds’ opening three games leave them pointless – as well as clueless.

    Manchester City

    Raheem Sterling and Jesus Navas will manage just three decent crosses between them, all season – despite the fact they play every single minute of Manchester City’s first campaign under Pep Guardiola.

    Manchester United

    *Enter something about Mourinho being a prick, Zlatan being widely talented – yet arrogant -, Bailly being the Red Devils best signing of the season and Henrikh Mkhitaryan returning to Dortmund on loan in January*

    https://twitter.com/MisterMuzza/status/762331142389399553

    Middlesbrough

    Juninho will return for his sixteenth and seventeenth spells during the club’s first season back in the Premier League since 2009.

    Southampton

    St Mary’s will be renamed the Matt Le Tissier Dome.

     

    Stoke City

    Halfway through the season when relegation is a real possibility, Stoke will return to their rugby ways, and the likes of Bojan, Afellay and Shaqiri will overnight be built like the monsters from Space Jam.

     

    Sunderland

    David Moyes will be replaced by Louis van Gaal in December.

    Screen Shot 2016-08-10 at 10.57.49

    Swansea City

    With Ayew at West Ham, Llorente being shite and Gomis out on loan, the Swans will break Derby County’s record of the lowest number of Premier League goals scored in a season (20).

     

    Tottenham Hotspur

    Dele Alli will move to Manchester United for £25million plus a mentally broken Juan Mata, who has been subbed on and then off in every single Premier League game up to that point.

    Watford

    Odion Ighalo will score one goal all season – a last-minute winner at the Etihad Stadium – before leaving the Hornets in the summer for £500k to Real Zaragoza as Watford curse rejecting £30million bid from the Chinese Super League, this summer.

     

    West Bromwich Albion

    Tony Pulis will be sacked after Sadio Berahino serialises his diary in The Sun newspaper, and it’s revealed that Pulis has been stealing his lunch money, tripping him in the corridor and hiding his football boots.

     

    West Ham

    After just three appearances, Sofiane Feghouli will be the latest Hammers crush and there will be calls from the West Ham faithful to not play the overrated and chubby Dimitri Payet because Feghouli is the best player they’ve had since Bobby Moore.

    You can rinse and repeat that one for every single season from now until the end of time.

    Daniel Blazer
    Daniel Blazer
    Will either have a GameBoy, Piña Colada or Viennese Whirl in my hand.
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