It is no secret that football boots got shite after 2010. Football boots used to be tasteful. They used to be smart. Now, if you showed me a pile of human faeces and the latest design off the production line, I’d be unable to tell the difference.
You can keep your carbon fibre. You can keep your ‘100grams per boot’. And as for your florescent pinks and yellows, well, they can fuck right off to where they came from. They have no place here.
Design departments the world over, hang your collective heads in shame. Let us cast our minds back to yesteryear…
5) Copa Mundials
This is what I’m talking about. When football boots were football boots. None of that namby-pamby, wishy-washy nonsense round ‘ere. No, sir. Multi-coloured Puma’s? Shove ‘em up yer d*ck hole.
4) Nike Zoom Air
Boots that hail from a time when Wayne Rooney was a spring chicken. When ‘No Pirlo, No Party’ wasn’t a thing. When people didn’t know John Terry was a racist maggot. Pair of bloody classics.
3) Nike Mercurial Vapor II 2004
The first of two pair of Vapors in the top three; sleek, sexy, stylish. If you had these puppies on your feet, you had to be good… Sadly they were a favourite of overweight wingers. If only they knew how ridiculous they looked.
2) Mercurial Vapor Originals
I remember these babies coming out for the 1998 World Cup. The original Vapors worn by the original Ronaldo. You youngsters may know him as ‘The Fat Ronaldo’. If only you could have seen him donning these in his prime…
1) Predator Mania 2002
They’re simply the best. Better than all the rest. Literally, these babies are unparalleled visions of beauty. I had about four pairs and would pay their weight in gold for another. Next time PornHub’s servers are down, you know what to do.