Sunday League football, you can’t help but love it despite all its flaws and frustrations, eg waking you up early when you didn’t get home until 4am.
For the thousands of guys and girls that play the (not so) beautiful game, up and down the country, it’s quite remarkable, really, that there are only 11 different types of personalities in the funny world of Sunday League football.
Which one are you??
The Manager’s Son
Throwback to Steve Bruce giving his own son a Stone Cold Stunner. Alex just doesn't know it's coming! pic.twitter.com/LbqtHuXJhD
— Ross Casey (@RossCasey24) July 19, 2016
The undroppable one, who believes his sole purpose, whilst on this earth, is to bring footballing joy to those less fortunate. He will turn up to pre-season with new boots every single time, and you’ll need your sunglasses on when looking at the latest bright, multicoloured monstrosity he’s opted for this time.
The Ronaldo Wannabe
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Stopping just short of facial reconstruction to look like the Portuguese pin-up, this guy, usually a winger, will swan about like he’s CR7’s body-double. It may well be pissing down with rain in the middle of December when the full-time whistle goes. But that doesn’t matter when shirts fly off to reveal ‘abs’ that look like they’ve been drawn on with a sharpie.
The ‘Had Trials With Everyone’
Retweet if you remember Ali Dia, the man who fooled Graeme Souness by pretending to be George Weah's cousin! pic.twitter.com/rVOgNLpUUb
— ForgottenFootballers (@ForgotAboutThem) August 21, 2016
Your manager gathers you round:
“Right lads, we’ve got a fella coming over who has had trials with United; I’ve heard he’s the real fucking deal.”
The excitement and intrigue grows amongst you and your fellow Sunday Leaguers, as a figure makes its way over to you. Someone mutters: “Fuck, he looks the part”.
Expectations are high, until he takes his first touch and you realise that your gaffer must’ve meant FC United.
The Old, Fat Man
Every side has one – it’s almost an official league requirement to – but he’ll usually not accept he’s a) fat b) old and c) shite.
Always first in with the rounds at the pub, though?.
The Best Player
“Sorry boss, I couldn’t get close to him.”
There’s always that one player who you just don’t know how an earth they aren’t running out for England at the next World Cup. Instead, they’re playing on a boggy field in London, making absolute muppets out of you and your pals.
The Best Player’s Brother
Feel sorry for Mathias Pogba playing for Thistle. Surely he could be like the Phil Neville brother in Man Utds team pic.twitter.com/1NMJjxhQ3Y
— Josh Fartarse (@WeWillFollowOn) August 19, 2016
Want the best player to play for you? Well then, you’ve got to also sign-up his older brother who is usually a combination of David Bellion and Jeremie Aliadiere.
Plays like the opposition ruined the ending of Breaking Bad for him. Even in training, he chops down teammates. No one says anything to him though. Ends the season early due to seven-match ban from the FA for headbutting a ref.
“Lads, got those new Ralph Lauren polos coming in next week. £20 a pop – fifty quid in the shops. Who wants some?”
“Yeah, I’ll take a red one, pal.”
You never do get your new Ralph polo – or the £20 back.
Clubman of the Year
Gets there early to put up the goals, attends every training session and pays his subs first. Never plays a bloody minute of football, though, because he’s woeful.
“Ever played striker?”
“Doesn’t matter. You’re 6 ft 9. So get up there.”
Awkward, unable to control the ball and all-in-all a bit shit. But that’s irrelevant if you’re tall, as you’ve just got to “get up there and unsettle their two centre-backs.”
The guy who wears glasses
when Edgar Davids is making your tea pic.twitter.com/1OfATHGnSP
— Oliver (@_O_H_M_) August 22, 2016
Why is there always one? And why does he never take ’em off to play football in? It’s not some kind of Edgar Davids medical condition/swagger, so put them away, pal.