With Jack Wilshere leaving Arsenal for a season-long loan, Arsene Wenger has made the decision to send the Gunners’ medical staff on holiday for the remainder of the campaign.
We actually have one medic for each body part of Jack, that’s how demanding it is keeping him in one piece. That means we’ve now got a lot of staff just waiting around, doing nothing.
Obviously my priority is to make sure all 600 employees at Arsenal are paid and happy, so I opted to give them the remaining 35 games of the Premier League season off.
It’s a rare win for the working class heroes out there, who are usually used and abused by the rich and famous in society. It will allow them to spend greater time with their family and friends. But, in truth, it’s no more than they deserve.
“I’m totally blown away by the gesture of Arsene. However, it does make perfect sense.
“Gone are the days pulling all-nighters with Abou Diaby – honestly, I can show you his x-rays, he’s actually made of paper; we couldn’t believe it. And having to put umpteen Peppa Pig plasters on Jack’s ankles.”
Anonymous Employee of Arsenal’s Medical Staff
Wilshere is currently weighing up whether to join Premier League sides Bournemouth or Crystal Palace or whether to take the exciting – yet daunting – jump to Serie A with AS Roma.
Although the Gunners midfielder has remained quiet himself, a representative of the Wilshere’s told us the following:
“Jack’s taken a look around each interested club’s medical rooms, and he’s impressed by them all.
“He’s particularly intrigued by the Italian leather used on the chairs at Roma, but does prefer the food menu in the medical centre at Palace.
“Wilshere will make a decision, soon, but at the moment he’s torn. I mean, I haven’t even mentioned at how genuinely blown away Jack was by the wheelchairs Bournemouth had on offer.”