Yesterday evening saw new England gaffer, Sam Allardyce, see out his first game as boss with a dramatic late victory over Slovakia. Adam Lallana saved Big Sam embarrassment in the 94th minute, after Slovakia were reduced to 10 men whilst England played dreary, uninspiring football in half-hearted attempts to break down the hosts. We caught up with the former West Ham manager this morning to find out his true feelings about starting life as the team’s top dog…
I am a king. For this I was born and for this I came into the world, to testify to the truth. I am the Messiah, the Son of the living God.
— notBigSam (@TheBig_Sam) July 20, 2016
Settling into his chair with a lukewarm Stella in a typical English lad style, Allardyce met up with CLICKON Soccer at the bar of a grey, concrete Slovakian hostel.
Class, this gaff. I don’t like colour and luxury where I stay, none of that crap. This is perfect, isn’t it? In fact, much of the country is like this – ideal. Having said that, they haven’t half got their names wrong. I mean Trnava, what’s that about? They’re missing at least two vowels there. The lads were struggling to tell the truth; that was our first problem. You listen to Jamie (Vardy) talk about Patrik Hrošovský…
When we asked how he felt his newly inherited Three Lions got on, the big man from Dudley seemed unusually pleased:
We won, played some efficient football, didn’t shock anyone and gave the fans little to cheer for. What’s not to like? Next question fellas.
Sam Allardyce's England career is about to get underway, hold on tight everybody… https://t.co/6oNJGEUoM8
— HLTCO (@HLTCO) September 4, 2016
Talking of fans, the English faithful surpassed themselves in the City Arena with over 2000 making the trip and maintaining a well-rehearsed and confusingly Northern-sounding ‘Don’t take me home’, in full voice.
The fans did themselves proud last night, fair play to them. I mean, I only say that because I don’t fancy being vilified just yet. Come back to me in a few months and I’ll cut the cautious crap.
One side of Big Sam we’ve already seen this summer is him in full-on party mode. Whilst he may keep his football and his comments to-the-point, the man certainly knows how to celebrate.
After the game? Well I took the lads out of course. Most of them went back to the hotel after just the one pint but you should have seen me and Vards together. I won’t go into details but the night ended in a McDonalds drive-thru with an inflatable doll and a load of charlie up.. Well, no. You don’t need to hear that, let’s say I was talking about Charlie Austin – a call-up maybe… Creative lad I think.
Sam went quieter after that but did leave with one final rousing call to arms for Englishmen across the country:
What would I like to tell the fans back home? Good question. Lads, this is our time to shine as a fuckin’ proud nation. I’m England through and through and will give my all for our beautiful land. So I’m telling you now: in Russia, we’re gonna smash the granny out of it. Plenty of long ball, parking the bus and maybe we’ll make it through the group stages. Who knows? If I’ve got anything to do with it – which I do – we’re making those quarter-finals with or without Mark Noble.
Sam proceeded to sing the entire national anthem before grabbing another Stella and hitting the town. If anyone can save our once respected nation, this man surely can.