Narcos season two has begun and the Champions League is back…life is good again.
Who remembers that scene in season one, where Escobar – looking like Gonzalo Higuain in pre-season – getting totally close lined by one of his gang members? Just proof that football is the beautiful game that appeals to all sorts of people!
Escobar clearly needs to reinvigorate his staff, so we’ve compiled a list of past and present pros that would be ideal for the Colombian drug lord…
Antonio Valencia, as a loyal military man
Valencia, the ‘does-a-job’ sort of bloke. Loyal to his core, you would trust him with your other-half… actually, maybe not, as he is a bloody good-looking chap.
Anyway, Antonio also used to be in the Ecuadorian army, as part of the country’s military service, requirement, so has plenty of experience in rank, order and discipline. Would be welcome into anyone’s battalion.
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Vinnie Jones, as Horacio Carrillo
Charismatic. Maverick. And fuckin’ nuts. The ‘Crazy Gang’ member would make a cracking, Horacio Carrillo, in leading the Colombian army.
The ex-Wimbledon man is a ‘goes against the grain figure’, who would lead by example, leaving nothing out on the field… an obvious choice in our eyes.
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Jamie Vardy, as the lost traveller
Every episode needs that one travelling ‘gringo’, who is purely there for some of Colombia’s finest…’cocoa’ powder. Who better to play that, than England’s one-and-only, Jamie Vardy… ‘bring your vodka and your Charlie’.
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Luis Suarez, as Roberto “Poison” Ramos
This was the easiest decision. The Barcelona man would play the horrible bastard that is Poison, better than any other footballer.
The characters ruthless savageness is reflected in all forms of Suarez’s play.
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Sepp Blatter, as Fernando Duque
Bent, corrupt, crooked… any more words needed for that swine, Sepp Blatter and corrupt lawyer who serves Escobar, Fernando Duque.
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Paolo Di Canio, as Javier Peña
Di Canio, the most spot on ‘bad-cop’, no? A bit of a nasty brute if you ask me, but that’s exactly what Javier Pena has to be in the Netflix show. Can be terrifying, but can also show forms of compassion which help in the job.
This place is therefore reserved for the ex-Hammer striker, as you wouldn’t want to piss Di Canio off.
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Paul Gasgcoigne, as Steve Murphy
Difficult choice. But ‘Gazza’ has to play Murphy. Why? Because as Murphy showed in Season 1, (spoiler alert), he’s got that clinical edge to him, evident when the copper sent the police to take out ‘Poison’ in the bar. Gazza showed this time-and-time again, making the football renegade perfect to play the tourist lost in South America.
Plus, although Paul looks like a budget DEA Murphy, I can’t help but see some facial similarities between the two.
Adriano, as Gustavo
Adriano, allegedly out on the streets of Brazil earning a living. It seems the ex-Inter Milan striker makes a better gang member than he did footballer.
The Brazil man would be a brilliant assistant to Escobar, experienced in the trade, will keep a cool head when needed, and not shy of getting amongst it when needed.
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Diego Maradona, as Pablo Escobar
Of course, Harry Connick Jr.’s song ‘It had to be you’, comes to mind for this sort of decision.
Maradona would definitely be the ring-leader, the don, the pack leader of the antagonists. The Argentine maverick would make the perfect Pablo Escobar.
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