Contractual obligations make any footballers’ charity appearances lack that bit of sincerity, no matter how genuine their intentions.
As part of Channel 4’s Stand Up To Cancer night, England trio, Daniel Sturridge, Alex Oxlade-Chamberlain and Jamie Vardy will all be appearing in a one-off special episode of Gogglebox.
Brilliant. Doesn’t matter how (in)sincere their participation is, that promises to be a right ol’ laugh – not knowing whether Jamie Vardy will call someone a ‘cunt’ at any point, is blockbuster viewing.
The Three Lions teammates will be watching – and discussing – the pinnacle of British television in Great British Bake Off, plus Strictly Come Dancing (a show that allows the snobs of society to get away with acting like they don’t like reality tv) and X Factor (a show that keeps future Jeremy Kyle contestants in on a Saturday night).
So, because we try and pass ourselves off as funny and remotely relevant – your words, not ours – we imagined what might be said between the Liverpool, Arsenal and Leicester City stars.
Oxlade-Chamberlain: “What song would you sing if you went on the show, lads?”
Sturridge: “I’d probably do a duet with my Adam Lallana.”
Vardy: “You couldn’t do that, Sturridge, lad.”
Sturridge: “Why’s that, pal?”
Vardy: “Because you’d never pass the microphone to Lallana for his lines.”
Strictly Come Dancing
Vardy and Oxlade Chamberlain: “Sturridge, will you sit the fuck down! We can’t see a thing!”
Great British Bake-Off
Vardy: “Cor this is proper making me want some brownies.”
Oxlade-Chamberlain: “I actually think my mum said she’d made some. They’re in the fridge.”
Vardy: *laughing* “Erm, probably not the ones I meant, geezer.”
Oxlade-Chamberlain: “Oh, you’re more of a oatmeal and raisin, man, then?”
Vardy: “Yeah, something like that. Tell you what, though, this show is well making me want some Skittles and vodka.”