The Ballon d’Or; an award that celebrates the essence of beauty in a sometimes not so beautiful game. It’s classy, it’s glamorous. And yet this year, it’s starring a bloke with more points on his licence than teeth in his mouth. Ah, Jamie Vardy.
Until now, the former Fleetwood Town, current Leicester and England, non-league, rags-to-riches poster boy, thought the Ballon d’Or was the highest ABV % wine in Lidl. Now, last season’s second highest goalscorer could be seeing his way to the star-studded ceremony along side the likes of Cristiano Ronaldo, Lionel Messi and Neymar (yawn). We spoke to the hopeful nominee to find out how he feels.
Gonna have to wear a suit or something, innit? Sort me barnet out and do me teeth and all that bollocks. Nah, not for me. As me Grandad used to say, if it sounds French – it’s piss. He was a wise man. I ain’t fussed.
It was only last Christmas Jamie Vardy bought his wife a bottle of Ballon d’Or from Fragrancentre on Leicester Market. What a 10 months.
— GeorgeWeahsCousin (@WeahsCousin) 25 October 2016
But then something seemed to click in the national team talisman’s head that made him reconsider…
Free booze? Should a fackin’ said, mate. I’ll be on that like a tramp on hot chips, my son. None of that poncy fizzy crap, though. That sounds French and all.
28,550 – Number of bottles of WKD that Jamie Vardy could buy if he won a Ballon D’or trophy and sold it. Party.
— OptaJoke (@OptaJoke) 24 October 2016
Reading the shortlist for himself, slowly and with a finger, Vards assessed the opposition:
I can’t do it. ‘Ob-bang-ye-nan’, what? Who names these pricks? I give up, lads. You read it.
Last season, Vardy scored in every game for an impressive 11-game run, breaking Ruud van Nistelrooy’s previous record. Furthermore, he won the Premier League Player of the Season award and scored 19 goals in the Premier League alone, finishing second highest scorer ahead of fellow nominees, Sergio Aguero, Riyhad Mahrez, Dimitri Payet and Kevin de Bruyne. Also flying the flag for the Premier League this year are Paul Pogba, Zlatan Ibrahimovic and Hugo Lloris. Only three on the 30-man shortlist can go through, however.
Yeah, good luck to the lads. Good bunch a fellas, that. End of the day, we’re all out on the piss after so everyone’s happy. To be honest with you, mate, I ain’t really sure what the award is about or what happens in it, or who should win or about much, really. I ain’t used to evening events, what with the ankle tag and that. Only classy evening I’ve had was with some bird at a Drive Thru, ‘deluxe menu’ or some shit. Felt like the Queen I did, mate.
We got little else from Vardy once he’d broken into a full-voiced national anthem. But just before he turned for the pub, he left us with one parting tip.
I often get asked for inspirational words you know, mate. Most of the time I spout some crap about work hard and stay focused. But you want a real bit of advice for the kids out there? I’ll tell ya: no matter how long it takes and how persistent you have to be, kids, always keep waiting outside that offie. Someone comes along every time, I did it from the age of 12 so I should know. Follow your dreams. Anyway, hope that helps. Cheers lads I’m off for a ciggie.
The only Englishmen that could restore honour to the nation this year bounded off merrily, sparking a Sterling Super King as he went. The hopes and fears of this proud country rest on the shoulders of that man. God, save the Queen.