The FA’s latest plan to make England win a World Cup is so mundane

Neil Renton

For many people, when you mention Parklife it instantly brings back memories of Britpop and the Blur anthem. You know the one, Phil Daniels on vocals as the London group detail a mundane existence and make it sound exciting – I bet it’s in your head now and will be for the rest of the day. 

Well, the FA are looking to change that perception. Parklife is the name that’s been given to a £200million scheme to raise the game at grassroots level by building 30 all-purpose football facilities in England by 2020.

Although, the mundane Blur song certainly isn’t the worst song they could’ve opted for…

‘Why Does It Always Rain On Me?’ by Travis

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The intention with Parklife is to create a long-term plan for the game by making sure that those who require them have the facilities and support needed to assist them, pointing to the fact that pitches are usually unplayable because of the weather conditions. 

If that’s the case then this Travis track is suitable. It’s almost impossible to plan outdoor events in this country due to the unpredictable nature of the elements. The FA are hoping that the new amenities will help this.  

‘Wide Open Space’ by Mansun

There’s a danger that this might fail. After all, when it came to building Wembley it was completed late and over budget. While the plans don’t state that they’re going to replicate this thirty times, you can’t help but wonder if there’s going to be acres of land while building is underway.  

‘Tequila’ by Terrorvision

You can see that the intentions are there to nurture the talent of tomorrow, today. But do they also need trained on a matters off the football field?

Let’s have a course on how to handle themselves in social situations.  Instead of a crossbar challenge there could be a ‘Getting Blitzed At The Bar’ competition that would be more fitting. 

‘Creep’ by Radiohead

Speaking of which, the problem with footballers is they don’t always think with their brains, they think with their dicks. You could put across the point that they’re sportsmen in decent physical shape and of a varying amount of fame who won’t have a problem attacking people of the opposite sex.

But that’s just a shallow view put forward by misogynists to justify the actions of those who should know better.

Professional footballers should act as role models even when they’re not playing. While they won’t always be angels they could start by showing women a lot more respect.  

‘Daydreamer’ Menswear

Daydreams are brilliant, aren’t they? You can have them at any time of the day, be it when you’re supposed to be working or while watching EastEnders. In an instant you’re transported away to a magical realm and best of all they cost nothing.

Well, that is until you put them into practise. Time will tell if the aims of the FA and the other parties involved in Parklife will be living the dream. Or a nightmare.

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