Neville and Giggs are set to reinvigorate Manchester nightlife

Ben Mountain

Former Manchester United legends and Class Of ’92 stars, Gary Neville and Ryan Giggs, have teamed up off the pitch once more in a bid to reshape Manchester’s nightlife.

Mahiki nightclubs are world-renowned for their glamour, class and extravagance. With Hawaiian-themed, Tiki decor and cocktails more vibrant than a David Seaman jersey; Mahiki offers exuberance and flair, with a taste of the tropics for both London and Dubai’s party goers. Just the sort of place then for a couple of millionaire footballers to fatten their wallets and publicise a mid-life crisis. Thanks to Nevs and Giggsy, Mahiki is coming for Manchester.

In a move to extend their St Michael’s development, that will see the erection of two towering hotels and the destruction of a police station, synagogue and pub (who needs those, anyway?); the former United stars are looking to become Manchester’s main moguls. And we, at CLICKON, got front-seat tickets for the press conference that unveiled the Hula-clad plan.

GN: “Mahiki night-clubs have always been a personal favourite of ours, right Giggsy?”

RG: “Yeah, Gaz.”

GN: “And so we thought we’d bring some Hawaiin glamour to the city that we love so much, you know, like a gift. We held off for a while because, let’s be honest, no one round here is actually classy enough for a high-end club. You ever seen a Manc with a champagne flute that wasn’t stolen or heading for someone’s eye? Me neither.”

RG: “But then we thought of all the birds we could pull if we let them in on the free. Just don’t tell the missus and you’re in the clear.”

Between them, the pair of ex-pros have amassed over 1000 appearances for Manchester United and were a part of the ‘Class of ’92’ under Sir Alex Ferguson. They now co-own Salford City FC, with Neville giving Monday Night Football genuine credit and Giggs looking for a full time managerial job, having been snubbed by Swansea City.

GN: “Get the other four involved? Nah, mate, class of ’92 there was only five of us. Nicky who? Look, fellas we ain’t gonna fall for that sort of question.”

RG: “Fucking journos.”

GN: “Probably just meant Becks. Phil only counts as half anyway.”

SEE ALSO: The unknown stories of the Class of ’92’s overlooked hero Nicky Butt

We wanted to know more about the get-up of the proposed club and Ryan Giggs was the man with the answers:

“There’s gonna be a Giggsy corner where people can sit and stroke the gorgeous, silky locks on my chest. There’s gonna be a Giggsy bar, too. Oh, and a Giggsy cocktail and Giggsy VIP area where you’re not allowed to talk or drink or do anything interesting at all. All you can do is watch my 168 career goals, back to back, whilst burning effigies of Jose Mourinho and generally womanising. But quietly and without doing anything interesting. Think that’s where I’ll be most of the time, Gaz is sorting the rest out.”

As for Neville’s role:

GN: “Well I sort of sit about looking at diagrams and some video footage, drawing lines and playing with animations. It’s my skill set, really. We were gonna go for a Spanish theme, ‘The Valencia’ maybe. But something told me not to, a past experience long buried perhaps. Maybe a nightmare? I’ll put it down to business nous.”

RG: “Yeah and other than the Giggsy bar and ploughing money into the place, I don’t do much. Just sort of aimlessly wander about, looking for something to manage, occasionally whipping my shirt off and having an affair. Oh, yeah, almost forgot. I sometimes pretend I’m Welsh, just to liven things up a bit. I think I’m a pivotal role in the process really, much like I was for Louis van Gaal. A pillar.”

Mahiki nightclubs are well frequented by the likes of Prince Harry, One Direction and characterless reality TV stars. The place oozes celebrity and Gary Neville thinks the duo’s big names will help to draw in a crowd:

GN: “At the end of the day, it helps, doesn’t it? Having ‘Neville and Giggs’ above the door is bound to reign in some extra custom. In fact, had the Haçienda had the same idea; it may have stayed open.”

RG: “Talking of which, I’ll tell you a little story, lads. I was in the Haçienda one night back when I was genuinely young, not just propped up by yoga and viag- never mind. Anyway, I was there, a veritable harem of birds round me, all with their fingers interlocked in the luscious mane and who do I see? Only Fergie and Bob Charlton off their nuts with a couple of ladies, or as Sir Alex used to call them; sugartits. I was mind blown, the blokes were necking shots like they were going out of fashion and doing lines longer than the field they made their name. Cracking night, that.”

As the conference drew to a close, Giggsy’s monotone babbling became more and more nonsensical and Gary Neville eventually had to intervene. Promising a look at a naughty pic and complimenting his chest hair as he went, Nevs lead Giggsy away – topless and euphoric, as is how the man travels.

One thing is for sure, the pair are inseparable, both with club and clubs. Let’s hope the Mahiki nightclub is a success and maybe one day we’ll all get a peek at Giggsy’s bar with a Giggsy cocktail and, oh, that precious chest barnet. Here’s to hoping…

Coming to Manchester

A photo posted by Gary Neville (@gneville2) on

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