REVEALED: What Mourinho really said to the ref to get banned

Ben Mountain

Jose Mourinho has been charged by the FA with misconduct for the second time in two weeks, having been sent to the stands following Manchester United’s bore draw with Burnley on Saturday.

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Everyone’s favourite ref, Mark Clattenburg, gave the Portuguese his marching orders at half-time after an altercation in the tunnel. Mourinho has until Thursday to respond and will no doubt ‘um’ an ‘err’ his way into another anti-Chelsea United conspiracy theory. He will likely face a one-match touchline ban. The news is a big blow for United, as if things weren’t going badly enough for the former title contenders; both manager and club alike… (Insert disagreeing abuse abuse below, Reds).

Anyway, with Jose being renowned for his quips, digs and general witticisms, aren’t we all wondering what the ‘Special One’  actually said to Clattenburg? Fortunately for you, CLICKON have the answers. That’s right, we managed to get hold of Clattenburg’s report from Monday. Feast your eyes…

It all started when I failed to award a penalty to Martial. Sorry, Marcus Rashford. Wait, Matteo Darmian, that’s it.

Then, as I was going off at half-time for a little massage and a Milky Way, the nasty man started shouting at me. I couldn’t really understand what he was saying, few people can I suppose, but I do know he said some horrible things that only a meanie would say.

What I did hear was almost too horrid to write, really. But in the name of justice, as a good ref should always be, I’ll try and recall the moment. He said something like:

“Hey, Mark, why didn’t you give that penalty? It was a foul all day. Mark, I asked you a question – don’t ignore me you prick.”

I didn’t respond. So he really went in:

“Oi, Mark, you know your Mum’s so ugly she made One Direction turn the other way…”

It was a bit of a blur after that, all I could hear was the Utd lads egging him on – “Ooh, you gonna take that shit, Marky?”, “I heard she asked Durex for a receipt after having you, mate”. You know the like.

It carried on even past the tunnel. They kept playing ‘knock-down ginger’ on my door and I heard him [Mourinho] high-fiving the lads who got me to come out. After I heard Jesse Lingard call “Oi, Marky, we’re spraying a ‘disappearing spray’ cock on your door”, I just had to go and check. Mourinho lapped it up, hiding round the corner whilst Jesse legged it. Worst thing was, I couldn’t even tell if they’d sprayed anything; it disappears, you see.

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Anyway, my Mum told me the best way to deal with bullies back at referee school; when Howard Webb used to take my lunch money. Snitch. Be the bigger man and grass ’em up she’d say. Not sure I should trust her though, after what the boys were saying but anyway: a good ref is an honest ref. So there we are. I found Mourinho’s behaviour unprofessional and inappropriate and would like to see him reprimanded accordingly. That’s all from me,

Your pal in officiating, Marky C.

So, there we have it. We all know Mourinho isn’t the friendliest bloke anyway, so is it much of a shock? After all, the man saves most of his headline-grabbing mis-behaviours for when his squad are truly up shit creek, with the paddle gently drifting out of reach. No surprise he’s pulled this attention deflecting move out the bag now, then. And, talking of deflecting attention, Mourinho The Generous has done it again. Like a Sunday League goalmouth, it’s just a confusing cycle of deflections.

Fair play to him. Though you do have to argue that a man who can send packing a £30,000 watch that easily can do a little more. Hey, sort out United’s title push before it’s too late maybe? Nah, he’s sticking with Rolex’s and bullying, don’t be silly. This is Jose Mourinho, after all.

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