The true story of how Wenger nearly became President of the United States

Ethan Tait

Election Day in the United States has happened; a day where political freedom and democracy is celebrated by casting a vote for a candidate that is probably going to royally fuck up and force a mass exodus out of the US. 

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In an election where the lesser of the two evils doesn’t really exist, voting sounds really unappealing. Fortunately, an Arsenal fan has found levity in the situation in the casting of his vote.

Instead of voting for the actual candidates on the ballot, Matt Simonson decided to write in his vote for president and choose to vote for Arsenal manager, Arsene Wenger, who actually wouldn’t be a bad candidate if he could run.

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The Frenchman’s economic policy is frustrating as hell for any Arsenal fan and his unwillingness to spend big, but he would make a great conservative candidate economically. In his time at Arsenal, Wenger only spent stupidly in one transfer window buying a bunch of players on the last day of the window in August of 2011. Other than that, his track record has been flawless.

Le Professeur could lead the US to greener pastures financially, but would struggle in war as he wouldn’t know what to do whatsoever. It would be like bringing a butter knife to a gun fight, but on a much larger scale.

Unfortunately, Wenger is French and cannot actually be considered a presidential candidate of the USA, but it was a valiant effort to get the Frenchman in office.

For America, may this be a day of infamy and prayer as we approach what could possibly be the end of democracy or the world, or just the birth of Tim Kaine’s presidential career after Hillary Clinton is incarcerated. To make matters worse, the international break is conveniently upon us forcing us to take a break from club football while America dies.

Wenger for President 2020. Let’s make it happen.

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