Don’t get too excited, it’s only Wayne Bridge. Having said that, it’s also only ‘I’m a Celeb‘; what did you expect? Although having said that, rumours are abound that Gareth Barry will join the star-studded line-up next year. So don’t lose all faith just yet.
Wayne Bridge; despite his 151 Southampton, 87 Chelsea and 42 Man City appearances (not to mention an impressive 36 for England) is unfairly remembered for one thing only.
We’ll leave it to you to work it out but it’s not his personality or charisma, if you’re struggling.
— Wayne Bridge (@WayneBridge) November 8, 2016
Captivating performance there, Wayne.
Whilst we’re not going to go in on the retired left-back for his 15 minutes of unwanted prior fame, we’re not going to be dialling the number for the fella once the voting lines open. Cue witty Ant ‘n’ Dec hilarity.
— StanJames.com (@stanjames) 8 November 2016
Unfortunately for us, Bridge had already left the country for some pre-jungle training. Notably how to change vocal tone; make a joke, and crack a genuine smile. Baby steps. Anyway, we teamed up with some of his former teammates instead to see how they think he’ll get on in the bush.
CLICKON Soccer (CS): “So, Australia. Any of you lads wanna kick us off with what it’s like. Ever been Down Under?”
Anonymous Chelsea defender, number 26, in his 30s, bit of a prick – alias Jerry:
“Think I’ll take this one, boys. Never been Australia. Down under, however? Plenty times, if you know what I mean… As for Wayne, heard he was pretty poor going down there so I dunno how long he’ll last. Well, she told me that as well actually, but – never mind…”
CS: “So, you think he won’t be in the bush for too long?”
J: “Weren’t really a bush, son, let me tell you that. But, no, not long at all.”
CS: “Can you elaborate?”
J: “Cleaner than a priest on a Sunday, mate. I’ll say no more.”
Can’t wait for John Terry’s O2 bill to come through and Toni asks why he’s spent 4 grand on voting for Wayne Bridge to choke on a camel cock
— Right Proper Charlie (@CharlieMHL) November 7, 2016
CS: “So, boys, what attributes has Wayne got that could keep him in the jungle longer than expected?”
Frank Lampard: “Erm, he can control balls really well. So, like camel balls and that for the trials, you know.”
Ryan Bertrand: “Seriously, I used to look up to Wayne a lot as a young defender. Knew I wouldn’t get into trouble if I followed his example. Which is why I now have a couple spare tracking devices on all the cars and CCTV at the front gate. ‘Better safe than sorry’ was his mantra”
FL: “He could tackle a tackle if need be.”
RB: “I don’t shake people’s hands no more, either. Oh yeah and after leaving Chelsea, I followed his example. My career is getting shitter and shitter, too.”
FL: “He could cope with a long one. You getting these crackers, lads?”
Lamps was escorted away from our interview moments later by his PR crew, leaving just left three former teammates.
CS: “And what about you, Carlton? You’ve kept quite quiet.”
Carlton Cole: “To be honest with you fellas, I’m a bit lost. I came to talk about Matthew Upson from my days at West Ham. I don’t remember the name Wayne Bridge. Was he the fella that John Ter-”
Jerry: “John Terry never done nothing to no one, so don’t say nothing to nobody. Never go spreading no shit never again, no?”
CS: “You played with him at Chelsea?”
CC: “Right, no don’t think so. They [Upson and Bridge] are probably pretty much the same but I’m afraid the name ‘Bridge’ just don’t ring a bell. I’ll leave you to it, boys.”
Left with two former teammates, we ploughed on, keen to get further insight into the little known thoughts of one of the country’s most heralded stars.
J: “Look, at the end of the day, Wayne’s a big boy. There’s nothing in that jungle that he’s never dealt with before: snakes, unwanted things in his bed and perhaps most importantly; a bugging and small prick that has to compete with an larger, overshadowing counterpart on his team.”
Ant and Dec have made this series of I’m a Celeb pic.twitter.com/1hHCridK6n
— Leah (@leahgirdwood) December 6, 2015
J: “He’ll manage, he always does. And hey, whilst he’s in there, he’ll always have the knowledge that his lovely wife is safe and well, wishing him on from a very empty home. And while the cats are away…”
Good to know Wayne has the sort of people around him that will always have his back, then. And good luck to the fella, if he can’t salvage some sort of public approval and recognition on I’m a Celeb, then’s he’s royally fucked anyway.
Let’s hope it’s not too sorry an affair for the bloke…
— I’m A Celebrity… (@imacelebrity) November 7, 2016
Have a look at the 10 footballers who will have nobody at their funeral…