Kim Jong-un has a plan to sign Lionel Messi in January

Joshua Byers

With the footballing community already worried that China’s determination, gargantuan population and position as an economic superpower may result in them dominating the game in years to come, there is even worse news coming out of Asia: North Korea is ready to make the game theirs.

News of Kim Jong-un’s determination to become a major force is not only daunting for Brazil, Germany etcetera, but for us over here at CLICKON; we’ll have to write some really fucked-up articles if we’re to keep the title ‘Renegades of the game’ should the boys from North Korea really get invested.

Just how the plan is going to work is unclear; North Korea are currently ranked 126th in the world and have only one football academy in which to train their future stars, although they might have a trick up their sleeve: The Supreme Leader himself.

SEE ALSO: Football League club set for a very surprising takeover

Given that the dictator’s family has one incredible sportsman – his father set a record for the best ever round of golf with an incredible (in the word’s most literal sense) 38-under-par – surely it makes sense for the man himself to represent.

Another alternative could be that North Korea waits for China to flourish and then hires a squad of hired Chinese impersonators, as they did with their ‘supporters’ at the 2010 World Cup. Perhaps we could even convince Wayne Rooney to be the Dennis Rodman of football and switch allegiances?

Football is a handy way to unite a country, of course, proven by the mutual disgust and shame felt from Carlisle to Southampton every time England plays. The North Koreans are hoping that the sport can have a more positive impact on their fine nation, with one coach even claiming that they are developing “super-talented players who can surpass the skills of people like Lionel Messi.” It’s with these young ‘Messis’ that the government hopes to build a team capable of surpassing North Korea’s best ever World Cup finish – when they got to the quarterfinal in 1966.

We’re not quite sure where these young world-beaters are hiding, but judging by their under-16 goalkeeper, it isn’t in that particular age category.

Call us crazy, but even here at CLICKON where we think about football pretty much 24/7, it seems as though the populace could benefit more from electricity and liveable conditions than a semi-final appearance at the World Cup.

Good luck to the crazy bastards, though – not least because a The Interview style film in which David Beckham travels to North Korea for an interview with Kim would be the best thing ever.

Start the discussion

to comment