A drunk Wayne Rooney gatecrashed a private wedding

Ben Mountain

England’s highest goalscorer of all-time, and the once Manchester United poster boy, Wayne Rooney, was seen on Friday night; boozed up and gatecrashing one happy couple’s special night at the England team hotel in Scotland.

Guests at The Grove Hotel were treated to the attractive sight of Wazza reportedly necking red wine and beer with England teammates, Raheem Sterling, John Stones and Phil Jagielka; having been given time off after beating Scotland in a comfortable 3-0 win. Rooney, however, ended up drinking solo once his more boring responsible countrymen left him to it.

The next logical step for a world-renowned multi-millionaire footballing icon would therefore be to stagger, blurry-eyed and in full England tracksuit, into a private wedding and have a slurred natter with the bride and groom. Standard Friday night.

SEE ALSO: Eric Dier is getting weirdly sexual with Kyle Walker

Now, whilst we don’t mean to sensationalise and, at CLICKON, we are not known for exaggeration but we did manage to get an eye-witness report from the night. Bearing in mind the fella is living his life under constant physical restraints and is possibly approaching the football equivalent to a mid-life crisis.

Though no one would notice if he bought a high-end Merc or BMW to match a Bluetooth ear-piece and swanky trainers for far younger men. Anyway, the United captain was just doing what anyone else in his situation would. Well most people, to a degree…

It all started with some of the England lads having a few post-match drinks at the hotel’s bar. Harmless stuff. Then he [Rooney] put down his wine glass and seemed to exclaim something like “Erm, why the fock am I drinking wine please?” He gurgled and dribbled a little before continuing. “Lads, we’re fockin’ footballers, like. We drink blokes’ drinks like beer and Jäger-bombs and pro-active muscle repair Lucozade sports and K cider in the park on a Thursday. Fock this red shit.’

He proceeded to order a round. Then another. And five more after that. “Carling please mate, pinnacle of luxury that is, Dave. Englandish and all” he slurred each time he spoke to the poor bar lady. The other lads left him to it. My mate went to refill his glass, he got caught:

“I just wish I had Uncle Roy still with me, you know. The G-man [Southgate] just isn’t the same. Nice fella, just none of Roy’s classic banter. And he doesn’t understand me. No one understands me. I’m just a poor, lost and lonely heart; roaming benches up and down the country, a mere shadow of my former great self. I played football in the fockin’ Premier League at 16, I did. But who gives a fock? Not you mate!”

So it sounds like Wayne hasn’t been taking things too well since his recent altercations at United and the trouble he’s faced trying to keep his England place. But what happened to then get to the wedding-crashing?

You know how it is. You’ve had a few and it was a bit of a ‘hold my beer’ moment. Clearly, or perhaps not so; in Wayne’s head, he just thought ‘fuck it, why not?’. Anyway, in he came. “Don’t worry boys, your main man Roo Roo is here. And hey; ladies, I play football. Where’s the fockin’ old birds then? Dorris, want a go, babe?” She didn’t. And was unfortunately the groom’s great-aunt.

Anyway, the newlyweds took a moment out of their celebrations to have a word. They told me it went like this:

“Wayne, mate, keep it calm will you please?”

“But I’m Rooney of Manchester, geez. You don’t know me, “keep calm” pishhh. No one knows me. Not like Roy did. Leave me alone. Me and my beer. He loves me.”

“Alright, son. Just leave old Dor’ alone.”

“But I got my arse hair stuck on my head for sweethearts like her?”

We then saw him turn around to get the shining, bald boy out and prove his word but as he did, he caught the bar in his eye whilst rotating round and so stumbled his way towards that instead, singing a mixture of ‘Red Red Wine’ and ‘Drunk in Love’ as he went.

We can only dream of Wazza serenading the love-struck wedding crowd with lines of “Can’t keep your eyes off my fatty Daddy, I want you” in that sexy Scouse accent of his. Anyway, the fella began to waver as the night went by and so the kinky karaoke began to conclude…

Then he just began to shut down. With dreary, blood-shot eyes and more ‘erms’ than a game of Articulate against Steven Gerrard, Rooney had done the full circuit of the room, unravelling his various issues as he went. I only heard snippets, I’m afraid.

“Roy used to care for me just like Sir Alex did. How I miss those kind-hearted men…”

“Erm, I kicked it like. Over me ‘ead. Then it went in the goal and everyone was like ‘ay, Wayne, good goal mate’.”

“And her false teeth just came tumbling out right as I-…”

“Fockin’ benches…”

And once he’d fully circulated the room, off he went. I’d like to say he went quietly and with dignity but that would be lying. He left the room, pint in each hand, winking at the bride’s mother and his flies were undone. Good bloke, all in all.

So, how was your Friday night? We dare say more eventful than that but we’d imagine you were back to work yesterday. As for Wayne? “Injured” was the excuse. Hmm, if only we could all use that one in the morning, four days later… Ah, life on the sesh.

So, yeah, like we have to say it but, this has been imagined by CLICKON Soccer but the original story can be found here.

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