Nike have launched their worst kit ever

Ben Mountain

The Dutch: Johan Cruyff, Ruud Guillit, Denis Bergkamp, Arjen Robben, Clarence Seedorf, Patrick Kluivert, Frank Riijkaard, van der Sar, van Nistelrooy, van Basten, van Persie, van Bommel; more vans than a Hertz car park and even more iconic, borderline legendary, footballers.

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Okay, you probably stopped reading at Riijkaard there, which was lazy of you. Anyway, we’re sure you got the point regardless. The Netherlands, the founding fathers of ‘Total Football’, have had quite a standing in global soccer over the many years. They’ve even won that coveted trophy; the Euros, for Christ’s sake. Whilst, admittedly, their stature may have decreased over recent years, there’s no way you can dismiss the Dutch’s influence over, and position in, international football. So why on earth are their own design team having a pop and mugging the former legendary oranges off?

Now, we’ll try not to lead your thoughts with this and won’t suggest whether the new rumoured design is a masterpiece or an offensive abomination to modern society and civilisation one way or the other. But, come on, really? Even a glimmer of hope with that kit?

The design is supposed the reflect the iconic Vincent van Gogh (van no.6) painting, ‘The Afternoon Nap’. Let’s be honest, though, should the Dutch master have ever seen this insult to the man’s artistic mastery himself, wouldn’t he start debating which appendage to hack off next? We certainly are right now. And we didn’t just have a lifetime of culture-defining art shat on by a specky design graduate with a ball-point pen and Photoshop.

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Across social media, there are descriptions ranging from “digestive biscuit” to “bowl of spaghetti” to “surface of Jupiter” and yes; grow up, a “massive shite”.

We, at CLICKON, think it’s more of an oily mud pie that a bored, snotty and untamed five-year-old would craft in a bid for fatuous humour, before a sick animal offloaded its content to make the whole creation remarkably somewhat classier. Or that which a global design team worth millions of pounds would produce. Either way, it’s an aberration. Imagine being Dutch, proud of your heritage in the upper echelons of the footballing world, then seeing that one day. It’d be like a great big pair of clogs kicking you square in the Nether-lands. Damn. (7. We’re counting it at least, kind of.)

Imagine the laughs shared by Nike’s head of design when finalising that one.

Hey, boys, we’ve really screwed them over with this one. Maybe they’ll learn to stop talking funny now…

Or perhaps it was crafted after a night out in the legally liberal Amsterdam (8) and someone decided that it looked wavy, man… How the cold, sober light of day changes things.

It’s difficult to find the words to express the explicit horror of it. We think that ‘shit’ suffices but it’s not the most eloquent.

We did say we wouldn’t lead your opinion, didn’t we?

Anyway, take a moment to consider the poor Dutch faithful today. And, please, it is a concept at the moment, so pray it won’t be materialised. Bruno Martins Indi is an odd enough looking bastard in a normal shirt.

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