Arsenal’s latest antics will have you in stitches

Ben Mountain

Gunnersaurus is a bit of a twat. Let’s get it out there. In fact, there are few footballing mascots that don’t reek of of a cringey, bygone era whereby fathers found it amusing to shove their angelic little children into the grubby arms of some ever-smiling animal for a stomach churning and painfully cheery photo. Thank god, therefore, that Arsenal have come to the rescue.

Yep, kids, it’s no longer the unwashed costume of an animal whose arms you’ll be clinging to, but Captain Arsenal instead! Yay!

Sorry, we’re not actually joking.

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What. The. Fuck.

We give it four matches til Operation Yewtree are down at the Emirates.

Right, before you bombard us with chastising comments about how this is some perverse and desperate hoax by your neighbour’s mate, Graham, it has been reported that the middle-aged bloke has made an appearance in the official club programme before Sunday’s game against Bournemouth. It’s almost as embarrassing as this other howler from the day…

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Anyway, whether the poor old fella has an official role at the club or is just a slightly bored chap with an alter ego taken too far, is yet to come out.

Either way, we love the idea of seeing this superhero prance about the terraces in his tights before swooping over the pitch to rapturous applause and the Superman theme song. Clark Kent, eat your heart out.

Fears are abound, however, that Captain Arsenal isn’t quite superhero material and would sooner be at home, listening to the Archers over a cup of Bovril and reminiscing about the black and white days whilst casually passing down some xenophobic tips to his grandchildren.

Anyway, here’s to hoping that the idea catches on. If every club did it, they could form some sort of Marvel vs DC game or a League of Legends. Although, Arsenal fans, you’d imagine, are feeling a little more Suicide Squad than Justice League right now. Poor sods, looks like someone needs a hero.

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