Jose Mourinho; professional pantomime villain. From creating rivalries with fellow gaffers to planting the deepest seeds of psychological doubt into official’s minds, the Portuguese befits the role really rather well. Heck, he’s even got the deep, indecipherable grumble of a voice. Only this week, he’s gotten carried away and taken the idea just one step too far.
Having been given a one-match touchline ban after Sunday’s terrifying bottle kick, Mourinho was not permitted to watch his Manchester United team face off with West Ham in the EFL cup from the sidelines, due to fears of grievous bodily harm being inflicted on a Powerade. This would not prevent him from watching within the confines of Old Trafford, however.
— Sky Sports News HQ (@SkySportsNewsHQ) November 30, 2016
The current total of Mourinho’s disciplinary fines has now risen to £74,000 this season, in case you were wondering.
But when asked where he watched the game from, did Big Bad Jose choose to enlighten us?
Oh, no; absolutely not.
Jose Mourinho on where he watched the game: “It’s a secret.” #MUFC
— Manchester United (@ManUtdUpdates_) November 30, 2016
But, unfortunately for the marvellous and mystical Mourinho, we at CLICKON Soccer – as we often do, as your favourite renegades of the game, have done some digging around. And there’s really quite some conspiracies for you…
1) Howard Webb’s bedroom
Utd fan referee, Howard Webb, has long been a welcomed figure in the red half of Manchester. It’s believed in some Mancunian circles that a perverse ritual occurs every season, conducted by Red Devils officials. No satanic dances or sacrificial horrors, but something far worse. Some say, and we hope you’re sitting down for this; each season, whichever United gaffer is in charge must spend a night cosying up to Webb in his full refereeing kit. Eye-witnesses claim that the nights involve slipping bizarre, paper like shapes into the whistle-blower’s top pocket or even the the exchanging of gifts such as season tickets and red roses.
Webb then reportedly gives a fine demonstration of said whistle-blowing before whipping out the magic spray. Interpret as you wish, all we know is there’s a 65″ TV in Webb’s love-shack and the fella’s not shy of Sky Sports of chill. It’s not an impossible scenario…
How Manchester United is coping post-Howard-Webb. pic.twitter.com/m1MO2ObNa2
— Phobophobe (@DanAlumasa) October 27, 2016
2) Eva Carneiro’s bedroom
Hold up. We’re not suggesting anything un-toward, this time at least. But ever since his outrageous sacking of his former Chelsea team doctor, Eva Carneiro, Mourinho’s career has steadily plummeted downhill. Monthly meetings are now made by the two to try and reconcile their feelings and re-patch what is a somewhat shaky relationship these days.
Encouragingly, the pair have managed to find it in their hearts to host these meetings at one another’s house for tea and cake. However, and here comes the controversy, Carneiro hadn’t seen her former boss once in November and time was running out for them both. It’s rumoured that she had plans throughout the week bar Wednesday and so Mourinho had no choice but to cancel his appearance at the EFL game in favour of visiting his arch-frenemy. Hope the battenbergs were worth it, Jose.
3) His happy place
Everyone’s got one. Don’t pretend you don’t. Whether it be a sunny beach from a holiday in years gone by or just your bed/McDonald’s/the shitter etc, there’s always somewhere everyone can just relax and be themselves.
For Mourinho, this is the ‘Jose Is God Appreciation Society’ headquarters. Their hall is decadently covered with framed photos of the Portuguese, with petals and candles scattered across the velvet floor. His dulcet tones ooze from the speakers and seduce those who enter, only ever interrupted by the occasional Guy Mowbray prompt or grunt of confusion from the audio. But, the centre-piece of it all simply has to be the Christ the Redeemer style tribute. Jose’s perma-smug face is cast in 76 tonnes of granite and held up by an almost naked, chiseled figure, in a godly stance. ‘I am the one true deity’ purports a vast banner that enshrouds this monument.
Needless to say, Mourinho is in his element in this self-founded, funded and attended group. The very concept of being in a building with a stand named after someone else repels the man. Naturally, then. he chose to spend his evening elsewhere. Don’t blame the bloke really.
Anyway, you make your choice. Was villainous Jose camped up in his super-bunker, ready to take over the world one conspiracy at a time, or busy having snuggle time with a former pro-United official? Each theory could provide the answer, maybe we’ll never know. Although, save us the bother next time, mate: just tell us it was the fucking technical suite!
Have a look at the 11 awful Man United players who have more Premier League titles than Gerrard…