Carlos Tevez has officially become the world’s highest paid footballer, having completed a move to the Chinese giants, Shanghai Shenua. It will see the Argentine earn a reported £615,000 a week. Or £185 in the time that it takes you to read this article. Or even £3000 in the time it takes us to write it.
He’s currently most likely sitting down for dinner, or watching his favourite Chinese TV series or doing something else that really doesn’t merit being paid. Anyway, bitterness aside…
OFFICIAL: Shanghai Shenhua announced the signing of Argentine forward Carlos Tevez. pic.twitter.com/JJBwulJmcD
— TransferMarkt China (@asaikana) December 29, 2016
Let’s break it down. £615,000 a week equates to:
£31,980,000 a year
£2,460,000 a month
£615,000 a week
£87,857 a day
£3660 an hour
£61 a minute
In comparison, the average UK wage works out at around 5p for every same minute that he experiences.
Still, don’t worry, it’s okay. Shanghai Shenua have dubbed him “the most outstanding striker in Argentina’s history”. He must be worth it, then. Oh, wait: have the names Messi, Batistuta, Maradonna, Di Stefano, Crespo, Aguero, Kempes and actually many others not crossed over to China yet? Clearly not, so let’s forget about the sickening wage packet and celebrate Argentina’s greatest ever striker ?.
But, how will the former Manchester United star be spending all that money? In fact, who on earth even knows what to do with £615,000 a week? Fortunately, we’ve come up with a few simple solutions to help the confused fella out. Here’s our top 5 of what he could buy each and every week from now on…
The current minimum wage in Shanghai equates to approximately £257 per month.
Carlos Tevez earns that in just over four minutes.
— Kevin Blundell (@kevin_blundell) December 29, 2016
1) 2,460,000 Freddos
We know the chocolaty buggers have soared in price over recent years (anyone remember the 10p glory days?), but this is no problem for Carlos ‘I Got Bags’ Tevez. Whilst we’re not quite sure where he’d get such a quantity of the pricey little frogs from, we certainly know what he’d do with them. Who ate all the pies, Carlos?
@realDonaldTrump Who’s fault is to that Freddos are getting more expensive? Is it them cheeky Chinese?
— Sam Pagett (@SamPagett1) December 8, 2016
2) 9121 Boca Juniors shirts
Supposedly a die hard Boca fan since childhood, Tevez could always maintain some sense of loyalty here by purchasing his boyhood club’s famous blue and yellow shirt, several times over. He probably does already have his own match-worn copies however, given that he only left the club of his dreams today. The club have now stated, “No effort is to great to have you wearing our shirt again”. So, Carlos, hop to it.
Carlos Tevez being adored on his last appearance for Boca Juniors ? pic.twitter.com/IyPeNZn8Sq
— UNILAD Football (@UNILADFooty) December 20, 2016
3) 687 weeks worth of membership to the Northenden Golf Club in Manchester
Remember that bizarre golfing sabbatical that ‘Carlitos’ took in 2012? Whilst captaining Manchester City on their way to the Premier league title, the Argentine felt a short break to work on his putting was actually more appropriate than winning the Premier League. He subsequently disappeared. So, should he fancy another quick break, he can now afford to; no problem.
In fact he can buy almost two years’ worth of weekly passes to Manchester’s most luxurious golf club, if he fancies it. Either that or 1,537,500 minutes worth of playtime at Junkyard Crazy Golf. Take your pick, mate. We’d opt for the giant dinosaur if that helps.
It became apparent that Carlos Tevez didn’t give a shit about loyalty when he swapped playing for the Manchester giants at United to up-and-coming rich boys at City. If the guy is still struggling to make his mind up about the two clubs, why doesn’t he invest in one of these famously horrific aberrations that serve only to scourge the game that we all love as they hang from the necks of happy-snappy tourists?
Fucking nonce of the season here pic.twitter.com/9bDPruqVQV
— Swearing Sports News (@SwearingSport) March 20, 2016
5) Wayne Rooney. Twice.
That really is a kick in the teeth for the United number 10. Often held as the whipping boy of English football and chastised by many as the ultimate over-paid footballer, Roo-Roo may end up being taken down a notch or two with this move. Imagine Tevez jetting him out to Shanghai and making the poor Scouse do all his housework.
Mind you, hiring that man out for a week at such extortionate prices does have the mind worryingly flashing to dodgy escort ads. Hmm, maybe the thought is best kept away and, for that matter, Wazza kept in Manchester…