The forgotten time Donald Trump tried to save Rangers FC

Ben Mountain

Donald Trump; like him or loathe him – depending on your level of hatred for poor, foreign women – is a man that cannot be said to have not made some bold decisions in his lifetime, both personally and politically. And, of all his ill advised and controversial decisions, this foray into the world of football could well be the worst.

Rangers FC used to be one of the two kingpins of Scottish football; vying week in, week out, with Celtic for the Scottish Professional Football League title. It all got a little tedious, really. However, when they entered administration back in 2012 and were relegated the same season as they were liquidised, everything changed. They were plummeted down into the fourth tier of Scottish football. Since then, they’ve swiftly climbed their way back up the footballing pyramid and so they’re in the top division again, where they belong. Whilst they haven’t quite yet reached the imperious level of Celtic like they once used to; they did have a plan to salvage the club’s heritage and standing as it all went wrong… The Teddy Bears certainly would have been Scotland’s top-dogs if it had come off.

This plan came in the form of a hate-preaching sketch-book caricature who just so happens to be the current President of the United States. Yes, Donald Trump once tried to buy Rangers in a bid to rescue their awful accounts and save the club from disaster.

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One of several big faces to consider buying the club, Trump had an extensive look into their accounts to decide whether or not it would be a financially wise idea. For a man with a history of six bankruptcies, we assume he had no clue what he was actually looking for. The game plan was reportedly to get the Mexicans to pay for it… hmm, where have we heard that flawed suggestion before?

However, with the situation at Rangers being as dire as it was, even the most powerful man in the world didn’t fancy hedging his bets on it. The fact that he hasn’t got one jot of experience or interest in British football was neither here nor there. But, as we in England and most other footballing powerhouses don’t, the Scots don’t really mind a completely unaware, disinterested old despot taking over the reigns at one of their top clubs. So it didn’t matter too much.

Mr Trump was disappointed not to have bought the club, stating that:

“I like to grab opportunities almost as much as I do women’s crotches. I also like to be at the helm of a sinking ship as I drop cannon balls through the hull of it, watching the water pour in before turning it into a giant ‘Trump’s Water-park’ so that I can ogle scantily-clad women in peace.

Those who can afford the entry, that is. And, obviously, putting strict restrictions upon those who do wish to enter. Don’t want any peasants in my wet ‘n’ wild dystopian world.”

The President was also reportedly interested in plunging his bucks into other British clubs, with a goal to re-franchise them in his favour too. These included the likes of ‘Mill-Builda-Wall’, ‘Derby-Get-Outta-My-County’ and ‘I-May-Turn-Out-To-Be-a-Horrific-DictaTor-quay United’.

Interesting possibilities, then. Anything is better than the US of Trump Ltd.

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But Ol’ Wig-‘ead hasn’t just been interested in the sunny climbs of Hollywood and the less sunny climbs of south London. Oh, no. Atlético Nacional in Columbia almost felt the wrath of this self-imposed God too, back in 2015. Yes, incidentally, that’s the exact same club that have inseparable ties with the Colombian drug lord, Pablo Escobar. The $100m bid reportedly fell through though as Trump didn’t see the club as having powerful or corrupt enough connections. So he plumped for the White House instead.

Whilst we’re not too sure that we’d be overly keen on seeing Mr Trump waving to hoards of disillusioned crowds anymore than we already have, having him at the helm of a British club would be a perversely entertaining sight. Manchester City MK2, perhaps.

Anyway, those stories probably aren’t true. No doubt all fabricated by the cheeky, bias media. Eh, Donald?



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