The fall and rise of the Real Madrid star turned rapper

Ben Mountain

Let’s be honest; once you’ve played for Real Madrid, your football career has peaked. It won’t get any better than that. So why carry on?

Royston Drenthe had this exact same thought as he watched his once promising football career gracefully go down the pan having left The Bernabeu behind. And, as he pondered ‘why bother?’ on a sweaty night in Abu Dhabi whilst bathing in his anonymity, checking out nostalgic pictures of himself, Cristiano Ronaldo and Kaka as the three stood all clad in white; the fella reached a pretty sound conclusion to all this pondering… After all, doesn’t the old adage go ‘If all else fails, try, try and try to become a rapper’?

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Royston Drenthe was a talented, young Dutch winger with a glistening career ahead of him at the Dutch club, Feyenoord. Sure enough, aged just 20, the man secured a £14 million move to the Spanish giants Real Madrid. The world stage beckoned. Shortly after, Drenthe made the step-up to the Dutch national team in a 1-0 win over Turkey. Life as a footballer couldn’t have been much better, then.

But after a respectable first season in Spain, things went from bad to worse for the once heralded starlet. Loans out to Hércules CF and Everton didn’t seem too bad at the time but then came along a club from, wait for it, North Ossetia-Alania. Yep, Alania Vladikavkaz saw some potential in the fella and flew him off to a place that he – along with you, us and every other normal person on the planet – had never heard of. It’s a federal subject of Russia, if you’re interested. Thank us after your next pub quiz.

And then things went from bad to worse for Drenthe. Having left Alania Vladikavkaz after just six games, no doubt for forgetting the country in which he lived in and then getting lost; Drenthe made the sensible decision to head over to England and offer both Reading and Sheffield Wednesday his services. Despite a combined 38 appearances for the two, and nothing too catastrophic whilst there, the Dutchman then made the bizarre move to head over to Turkey.

Whilst there, he joined Kayseri Erciyesspor; partly because the club suited him and partly because he hates the journalists who have to write – and therefore spell – about him. From Turkey, he joined Baniyas Sports and Cultural Club in Abu Dhabi and it was here that the man began his quiet reflection period at the epitome of his failure.

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It must have been heartbreaking. From being with the kingpins of football at Real Madrid, to a team that sound like a self-help group in the footballing irrelevance of Abu Dhabi, via a made-up country that is, Drenthe certainly had one hell of a fall from grace. This was such a fall from grace that it rivaled the likes of Lucifer in magnitude; though that comparison was somehow lost in the Old Testament.

Anyway, in keeping with biblical magnitudes, the former Dutch whiz-kid then chose to make a move that would shake planet Earth to its very core. Yep, he didn’t opt for the boredom of retirement or the mundanity of coaching, but the glitzy and glamorous music industry instead. Ladies and gents, it’s time to forget about Royston Drenthe and meet the one and only Roya2Faces. Take it away, pal…

Catchy. Heavy. Deep. Call it what you want, we don’t understand a word. Although we do like the brief English interjection of “I don’t give a f***, boy”; keeping with classy English phrases then, Royston. Sorry, Roya.

With currently just over 50,000 hits on Youtube and a snazzy little intro to rival R Kelly, Roya2Faces has released the following statement on his ambitions for the debut track and future career.

“Yeah, you know, it’s kinda a Christmas number one thing. That’s the dream. We released it early because what’s gonna happen is my mum is gonna sit and refresh the video for 16 hours a day until I’ve got like 3.4 billion views and then it’ll be Christmas number one. I just wanna beat the X Factor, really.”

“The name Roya2Faces came from this bird that I was with when I was a teen. She was called Roya. And she had two faces because she got with my mate Tony behind the garage of my other mate, Steve’s, house. Ain’t that obvious? I mean, why the hell else would I be called that? It’s not a god awful name or anything; it has meaning. I’ll never forget that girl, not either of her faces.”

“My next singles? Well, once this has broken the internet and set the music world alight, I’m gonna drop a fat debut album. Here’s a little teaser for you. It’ll include “Wingers In Paris”, “In Da (Sports and Cultural) Club” and “My Name Is (Rather Questionable)”. Later, as an image change and that, I’m looking to rename. Any ideas, lads?”

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We’re currently thinking that the Notorious N.O.B would suit him but we’re sure that there’s plenty of appropriate names out there. Anything has to be better than Roya2Faces, surely. By all means, drop your alternative suggestions below.

Anyway, fair play to the bloke. Just as he was being dubbed football’s greatest flop, Drenthe saved himself by picking up his career elsewhere. And if that’s what took his fancy then good luck to him; we’re certainly keen to hear some more quality tunes. So keep ’em coming, mate.

Can’t wait for the next one to drop? Here, try and pick out the fella’s voice in this little gem. We’ll leave you to guess the other self entitled “big baller in the household”/professional footballer. Good luck!


Royston Drenthe was a decent player, but he’s certainly not worth getting in the 21st century combined Barcelona and Real Madrid best ever XI…


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