The Premier League would be a better place without Jesse Lingard

Ben Mountain

Some people in football, as in life, have the natural tendency to irk those around them, others manage to actively make their blood boil. The Manchester United winger Jesse Lingard, manages to do the latter with unwavering efficiency; we can’t stand it.

We’re going to be honest with you here, we have a few problems with Mr Lingard. So if you’re part of the ‘Cocky, Overpaid and Unproven Wingers’ Fan Club’, you might want to stop reading now.

One of these problems is quite simple, so we’re not just bemoaning him for no reason here. The fella, ladies and gents, isn’t actually very good. Quite how he manages to make it onto the Old Trafford pitch with such consistent frequency is completely beyond us.

Let’s look at the stats: this season, Lingard has played 24 matches. For a winger who plays up front every now and then, the man has amassed a total of three goals and three assists. In fact, he has as many goals as he does yellow cards and he hasn’t been man of the match once.

Allow us to continue. Lingard’s career has comprised of two things that warrant any possible discussion of him as a half-decent footballer, but  only a moron should pay any attention to them. They are: an unwarranted Manchester United contract and an unwarranted England call-up by a spineless Roy Hodgson as he pretended that he was giving youth a chance. Oh, and on the subject of youth, he’s 24 by the way. He’s not a promising or rising starlet anymore, but a fella who is nervously approaching his peak as he clings onto a thus-far undeserving career.

Other than United, for example, Lingard has only ever played for Championship clubs such as Birmingham City as well as Brighton and Hove Albion. He was poor for each. In fact, other than in Manchester, the most games he’s ever played for a professional club is 15. Reports suggest that trying to rehearse a hand shake with every single one of his teammates often led to his dismissal. It interrupted matches somewhat, especially when he tried to put them on his Snapchat.

Anyway, Snapchat and special-bestie handshakes are for later. Back to his ineptitude on the pitch. Lingard is constantly shipped off from the bench in a bizarrely advised attempt to spark some life into the United team. It seldom works. They kept him out on loan for four seasons, so Christ knows why know they’re bothering to show any loyalty now. The only reason that we can see for a Lingard substitution is to frustrate the opposition into self-loathing thoughts whereby the tunnel and subsequent team coach are the only places of refuge. We can just imagine him pinching bums and saying ‘buddy’ at full-time. The thought makes your skin crawl.

Onto the Snapchats now. Yippee.

You’ve all seen them and, yes, they were mildly amusing at first. Little changing-room insights from the cringey self-appointed banter master. Paul Pogba dabs off the pitch as well, didn’t you know? Jesse Lingard also does a grating American accent as he subtly off-loads his immense jealousy of considerably more competent footballers whilst pretending not to be scared as he and his over-preened millionaire gang absolutely crap themselves when their coach gets attacked. In doing so, he completely neglects any understanding of what football means to those who pay him. But that’s a separate issue.

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Something worse has happened.

Now what, Jesse? Your teammates are getting tired of you and your annoyingly jarring voice, are they? They don’t want to be on your Snapchat anymore? Oh, dear. What are you going to do, mate? Ah, wait; the banter master always has a plan. Why don’t you dab, Jesse? Just a quickie. That would be really funny and original, wouldn’t it Jesse? If you flicked your wrist, you might even get a little viral Vine out of it. It’s the sort of behaviour my twelve-year-old cousin displays at the weekends, only she uses that dog filter to hide her ashamed face. Grow up, Jesse mate. Dabbing and Snapchat are for people far younger than you and with far too little creativity – as well as friends, no doubt – than a professional footballer should have.

It gets worse, we’re afraid. Yep, the Snapchats aren’t even the worst of it. Oh, no. There’s a whole world of social media out there for Mr ‘Can I Come To Your Birthday Party’ Lingard. In fact, his irritating reach extends to almost 240,000 deranged plebs on Twitter and he sure uses this reach to grind everyone’s gears in spectacular fashion.

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Now, we won’t say anything here. We don’t want to put anymore negative thoughts into your mind nor influence your opinion of the United player. Although, for the record, that last tweet almost made us hurl. Violently.

Right, then. Before we give ourselves a hernia or throw a laptop across the room in desperation to remove Lingard’s incessant influence over our social media; we’re going to take a moment to calm down and finish off.

Does Jesse Lingard say ‘gnarly’ and ‘gang-a-rang’? Does he tap one shoulder whilst standing besides the next? Does he even fall on the floor when he laughs in desperation to have some buddies? Almost certainly yes to all three. More importantly, does he deserve his place in the United and England squad? Almost certainly not.

Though we do hope his Snapchat hasn’t influenced our opinion on this. It almost certainly has, mind you.

It’s safe to say that Lingard doesn’t make Ryan Giggs’s dream Manchester United XI, but find out which players did!

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